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Author: Stroma
Published: 13 January 2010
Stroma describes her journey from a state of deep depression, to feeling happy, capable, and in control of her life. Her story explores the importance of appropriate support, how learning new skills helped to rebuild her confidence, and how both traditional and complementary approaches to therapy can support recovery. Stroma’s story formed the basis of a story that was published in the John O’ Groat Journal in November 2009.
Note from the author: Stroma is an island off Caithness. I feel that its isolated location makes it a suitable name to use for writing this story.
I usually think of ‘recovery’ as being a journey from a state of mental and emotional ill-health to wellness – there often being elements of physical illness as well. Recovery itself involves a degree of healing which may be supported by either traditional medicine, complementary medicine or, ideally, a mixture of both. It may not be an easy journey and there may well be times of great emotional distress, when it is advisable to have a support network in place, consisting of both complementary and traditional professionals.
My journey to recovery began in 2003 when I sat at the kitchen table of the farmhouse into which I had recently moved. It was early January and the snow lay thick outside, inside the house it was barely warmer as there were holes in the walls of the old house and only a tiny fireplace for warmth. My whole life had been turned upside down by personal circumstances and as I sat there I contemplated what I saw as a bleak future. Illness had seen my employment terminated and I had little income. I felt that I was at the bottom of a deep dark void, I was very emotional, lonely, frightened, totally lost and in many ways detached from life and I didn’t know what to do. It was as if I were the victim and everything was being done to me, I had tried to outrun my problems but had found that they followed me everywhere. I had tried to talk to people but my detachment from life seemed to prevent the right words from coming out. People looked at me and as I usually appeared clean and tidy they assumed I was alright, but no-one saw inside to the emptiness and loneliness within. To where could I turn for help, what could I do?
Deep inside me, I knew that I had three choices – to go down the road of drink and drugs, to commit suicide or to plan a way forward. I recognised that the first two choices would lead to suffering and grief for those friends and family who loved me and who would care for me should they realise how ill I was - but I had never had the courage to tell anyone how I felt and therefore what right did I have to cause them many years of grieving. Slowly I turned my thoughts to the third option, and as I did so, I felt for the first time in ages, a very slight stirring of hope and excitement, and I reached for a pen and a piece of paper.
Initially, I allowed my mind to drift back slowly over the years and eventually managed to acknowledge that as an adult I actually had many skills and already had a great deal of knowledge, and so with that small glimmer of positive attitude in my mind, I began to plan a step by step approach to my recovery. Excitement began to seep into every cell of my being as I gradually made a list of the steps that I needed to achieve in order to take me from where I was – in a deeply depressed state, to where I wanted to be – a happy, normal individual. In all there were twelve steps, starting from a small challenge to simply sit still for 5 minutes and gradually increasing in difficulty to the last step - entering the world again as a healthy adult.
In doing this small activity I felt that at last I was beginning to take back an element of control over my life. This was my programme and it would consist of activities and experiences that were meaningful to me and that would allow me to achieve the steps on my list – the steps to my recovery. If something was not working then I could change it, again and again, as often as I needed to – what a great feeling to be able to move out of ‘victim mode’. I began to think about what activities I could do that would allow me to achieve the steps on my list – steps that would allow me to recover my health and sense of well-being. And gradually my programme came alive.
Recovery is a personal journey and is different for everyone, and the way is not always easy. Recovery takes as long as it takes and depends on personal circumstances and the willingness to both ask for and to receive help. My journey to recovery took me along the complementary route, simply because there is no medicine to cure extreme grief and trauma and I knew therefore that the healing had to come from inside myself. Learning new skills would allow me gradually to heal, to achieve the steps on my list and also to rebuild my self confidence and self-belief.
In order to feel a sense of attachment to the world again I had sessions of practical therapies like reflexology and massage because these enabled me to fulfil a basic human need – the need to be touched - within a safe professional setting. This began to bring my internal body back into balance and helped at an emotional level. As my ability to interact with other people slowly improved, I studied ‘talking skills’ e.g self-hypnosis, NLP and EFT and found that these allowed me to gradually gain control over the mental and emotional memories that still haunted me. I experienced what is often called ‘the dark night of the soul’ - a place of what seemed to be everlasting darkness, but eventually saw the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, and one day I realised that I had emerged safe from this experience and that so much healing and learning had occurred. I also learned to meditate and experienced a deepening sense of inner peace that brought an immense sense of comfort. Each skill that I learned allowed me to heal, regain some of the sense of well-being that I had lost, and take control of my life. As my mental and emotional health improved so also did my physical health.
My journey to recovery took several years and much time was spent finding out what helped and what didn’t. If I could have found someone knowledgeable, empathic and compassionate to guide me through the process, my recovery may have been quicker. I say ‘may’ because you are only able to progress towards recovery at your own pace and in your own time and it depends on how many memories or trauma surface. When working through these experiences, it is very important to have access to a professional therapist who can enable you, safely, to move beyond the memory to a happier place. During my recovery journey I had to learn to have more patience with my situation and to look at my life from a new perspective.
The experiences that I had mean that I am no longer the same person that I was, but I believe that by accepting this change, which was initially difficult, that I have grown into someone who is more complete, happier, stronger and more capable. Most importantly I have learned to take control of all aspects of my life and to value myself more highly as a human being. Now, I no longer think sad thoughts or live in a world of darkness, but instead I rise each morning with a smile - regardless of the weather – and with a sense of excitement, wondering what surprises the day may hold for me because I have learned that be they good or not so good, I have strategies to enable me to cope with them.
What does the future hold for me? Ideally I would like to use my knowledge, training and experience to help support others who are going through their own dark times. My success will depend on:
• the willingness of future employers to see the whole person I have become, to honour my new skills and recognise how they may be of benefit to others, while at the same time realising that my previous learning and years of experience are still a valuable resource;
• having the confidence to realise that I am worthy of respect and that I have a right to feel happy;
• my ability to accept change and to be adaptable.
If you’d like to share your thoughts or experiences of recovery then contact us on
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