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Stories Submitted thoughts and stories The story of Billy
Stories Submitted thoughts and stories The story of Billy
The story of Billy |
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alcohol | depression | divorce | employment | exercise | hospital | impact of events from childhood/adolescence | male | medication | seeing things differently | self help | sense of self | service provider | stigma/discrimination | suicide | support from family | supportive spouse/partner | taking control | talking therapies | volunteering
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Author: Billy Published: 15 April 2010 As a psychiatric nurse battling with depression, Billy reached a turning point with the sudden loss of a close friend and colleague, which made him determined to take back control of his own life. With the love and support of his family, he has recreated a fulfilling life, using the strengths and insights gained from his experiences to help others. The following account of my journey through life and illness is intended to give hope and encouragement to others. I will skip some of the gory bits as they will be well known to most sufferers of depression and are only of deep interest to myself!! Growing up I was brought up in a “rough area” of Scotland. I was the youngest of two, but my brother was 11 years older so I often felt like an only child. My father was a hard drinker, which meant that my mother had to work full time to provide for the family. This left me to fend for myself and I spent a lot of time on the street. As was common amongst my peer group I started drinking at an early age (13) and thought I was very good at it. I did quite well at school but this separated me from my scheme buddies who viewed school as a chore. As a result I left against advice without sitting my highers. Work life As luck had it I landed on my feet (or should that be head?) and became a student Psychiatric Nurse at 17. What an impact this had on my life. I loved it. I also moved into the Nurses’ home - into the first big family I can remember. Life was good and I worked and partied hard. One of the best parts of my life! I qualified quite easily and was good at my job. I was a staff nurse on an acute ward and threw myself into the work. I became Charge Nurse very early and was dedicated to my patients and defending their rights.Home life At the age of 23, just as I qualified, I met a girl and got married. After 18 months I became the proud father of a son. This really changed my life and I loved the boy. However, after my son was born, my marriage became rocky. Looking back, my moods were a big factor in this – I was very emotional and quite manipulative at times. In our wisdom we decided to have another child and 3 years later we had a girl. My life was complete. A real family - like the Waltons!‘Never have a child to save a marriage’, I once read – good advice. My marriage was finished but despite being asked to leave, I stayed in a dead relationship for the next 4 years, wanting to be the dad I never had. During this time no one knew the pain I was suffering inside. Eventually I decided that perhaps I should leave, but if so, I would go with a bang. I overdosed big style and left in an ambulance. Dark days In the final months of my marriage my mood had been very low. I thought I would be better off dead, and that my children would be better served by memories of a happy father than have to go through the agony of seeing me fall apart. I could not see a future in any colour other than black.At this point, the father who had been missing in my early years had a stroke and died. I was devastated and riddled with guilt at him having to spend his final years with an emotional wreck for a son and blamed myself for his death. I managed to hold myself together when my children were around, but as soon as they left I fell apart. Despite the best efforts of friends who were psychiatrists, I ended up in hospital. This was a big headache for the NHS as I was well known locally in mental health and it was decided it would be embarrassing for me and those looking after me if I was treated locally, so I was shipped off to a hospital 100 miles away. As a result I had very few visitors, and felt that I was being swept under the carpet. Aftercare was nil apart from monthly visits to a kind local psychiatrist, and care from a long-suffering GP. Finally, I was retired early on health grounds. So started three years of feeling low, overdosing and hospitalisations. I didn’t listen to advice – I thought that I should be able to cure myself. I abused medication and alcohol to horrific extents. That would sort it. I lost contact with most of my friends, who mainly worked in mental health – they did not want to know me. I think it was hard for them to cope with the idea that a colleague and friend was now a patient. Shock horror! Nurses would ask in a very patronising voice “how are you?” - I am lucky I was never charged with assault. During my hospital years I took part in many different therapies including cognitive, relaxation, group and electro-convulsive. I was given almost every drug I had dispensed as a nurse – often abusing them, either taking too much or stopping and starting. I was continually looking for the magic pill or therapy that would make my life bearable. I relied on over the counter medication or alcohol to help me sleep, despite knowing they make things worse. Turning point My life carried on like this for 5 years. Two things that did hold me together during this time were the love and support of my children, and voluntary work. I knew I had to keep myself occupied and sober so I became a man on a mission in mental health voluntary organisations.Also, I did have one nurse friend who was there for me, kicking my butt when I needed it. Then, very suddenly, this stalwart died. Not yet 40. I was devastated. My first thought was: “how could this happen to me?!” Then the penny dropped. Nothing had happened to me. A good man who was doing well had died early. He had used his gifts. I had not used mine. At his funeral I made a silent vow that if I could not make this better then I would at least never again do anything to make things worse. I would concentrate on my abilities, and try to develop them, rather than dwelling on negatives and ’what-ifs’, ‘could’s’ and ‘should’s’. I remembered an article I had read on positive self-help and did a bit of research into a new concept called Recovery. I made it my goal to use my skills and develop as a person. Recovery To me recovery is all about taking charge of your own life whether still experiencing symptoms or not. It is about playing life to the best of your ability and playing the hand you’re dealt, not wishing you had other cards.The first thing I decided to do was steady the ship. I realised my mood was lowered by alcohol (the GP had told me that for years!), and that exercise helped. I stopped drinking and started walking and swimming. I felt better already. Next I decided that I still had a future in nursing, and my experience could perhaps help me see things a little differently, in a way that could help others. I started nursing again. I found that there was a lot of stigma about mental health in the nursing profession but decided that the best way to deal with this was to be completely honest. If I tried to cover up my past I would spend the rest of my life waiting to be found out. My children decided that they liked the new improved me, and, over two years, moved in with me. It cost a fortune but, it was worth it - my love for them is very strong. Things have moved mostly forward since that time, though with the odd hiccup. I am now in a long-term relationship and more in love every day. Worrying about the past and fearing the future has always been my curse, so I try to look at the positives and keep my thoughts in the present. Recently I changed jobs and perhaps bit off more than I could chew. I became very stressed and depressed thinking that all I had achieved had gone and I was back to square one. My lovely partner and kids were saviours. I went for help. This time I was not too proud to take advice. I took medication as prescribed and, for the first time, received local counselling. What a difference! I also tried to do positive things when I was off sick and this time recovered very quickly. My recovery was greatly helped by realising that others (family and friends) can often be a better judge of how I am than I am! What I have learned 1. A knowledge of mental health does not mean you can treat yourself when depressed; 2. The psychiatric profession try hard but often don’t understand. It’s not their fault; 3. Working on your strengths helps you to minimise your weaknesses; 4. Nurses can think that people with mental health problems are a different species. They can be rather suspicious when it happens to one of them – feeling that if the gamekeeper becomes a poacher, they can’t be trusted as a gamekeeper ever again; 5. To look at things positively, and to cherish your self-worth; 6. To keep your thoughts in the present; 7. To strive to be ordinary. That’s all that’s asked and anything more is a bonus! Conclusion I have become much stronger and more resilient since the start of my illness, and I’m no longer prepared to just bowl along. I make every day count. Illness has made me more aware of the good things in life such as family and friends and also made me less self-critical. I would like fellow sufferers and professionals who read this to take away one thing. People with mental health difficulties are often a gift rather than a burden to society. If people are given the opportunity to fuel their recovery they can and often do provide a very valuable resource. Asking someone with a mental health problem to help you can often be helpful to both parties! If my epitaph read “Billy was an ordinary man who loved life and helped others” I would be very satisfied. If you’d like to share your thoughts or experiences of recovery then contact us on This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. 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Story Tags
activism community/socialising/inclusion coping strategies creativity depression employment (+) exercise female hospital male medication medication (-) peer support (informal) and befriending seeing things differently self knowledge/learning/growth self management sense of self support from family support from friends support from mental health professionals supportive spouse/partner taking control talking therapies voluntary mental health services volunteering Story disclaimer
The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure. See our Submit Your Thoughts pages for details on how to submit a story to us or you can contact us.
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