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Stories Submitted thoughts and stories Life begins at 39
Stories Submitted thoughts and stories Life begins at 39
Life begins at 39 |
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abuse | alcohol | anxiety | bereavement | bipolar disorder (manic depression) | creativity | employment (+) | employment (-) | female | hospital | medication (-) | professional | self help | self management | sense of self | service provider | stigma/discrimination | support from family | support from friends | support from mental health professionals | taking control | talking therapies | wrap
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Author: Mandy McLernon Published: 10 June 2010 Mandy McLernon describes how good supports from colleagues and family combined with the discovery of recovery planning tools helped her take control of her recovery and work towards previously unimagined dreams. They say life begins at 40. But, as I approach my 40th birthday, I can say that for me life began at 39, as over the past year I have recovered from mental illness! It was November 1999 when I found out I had a mental illness. I was living in Wales, in a relationship (not a good one) and was a successful businesswoman in the recruitment industry. From the outside, everything looked picture perfect. But on the inside I felt empty and numb - like a part of my soul had died. I went to the doctors and was prescribed anti-depressants. These helped at first, but then I started to go high, until I was in a mania and was admitted into hospital. After leaving hospital, I was treated terribly by both my partner (now ex) and my manager, and I decided to return to Scotland to be closer to family and friends. Over the next 6 months I had to deal the death of my granddad, fight to get my job back, move house twice, and, once I’d returned to Scotland, look for work again. I and had not had any time to come to terms with my ‘breakdown’ and my mood plummeted. I went back on anti-depressants again. My mood started to improve – brilliant - but before I knew it I was on a manic high again. This second breakdown was horrific. After nearly a month of not being able to sleep or switch off my whirlwind thoughts, I wanted to end my life to get some peace and quiet. I went into hospital again in the November 2000. Over the next 8 years, although there were no major breakdowns and no hospital admittances, my recovery was very slow. One reason for this was the bullying bosses I came across in a succession of jobs. My self-esteem was rock bottom and the bullies reinforced my belief that I was a worthless human being. I still portrayed myself as confident to others but inside I was a quivering wreck and suffering extreme anxiety. Another reason was alcohol. We all know that drink is a depressant and boy-oh-boy did I get depressed! At times I lay on the sofa struggling to breath, the anxiety was so bad. Self- loathing and alcohol makes for a lethal cocktail. However I did start to develop some positive coping strategies too. I started to see a counsellor, for example, and found that talking about it helped. In 2007 I started a new job working as a support manager for a new mental health project that was being set up by Penumbra in Dundee. They kept talking about this thing called RECOVERY. What was this? The idea was new to me, and very welcome too - bringing with it hope and belief. Everything was now ticking along nicely and life was on the right track, but then WHAM! - in February 2008 I became unwell again. This time round I was stronger and - thanks to the training I had received at work - more aware, and was able to ask for help at an early stage in the episode. As soon as my boss heard I was unwell, she hopped on the train and came to see me, offering support and understanding. I was a blubbering wreck but she comforted me and told me it would be OK, that my job was safe and that I was a valued employee. This was important as I had a huge fear of losing everything, which is what happened after my first breakdown. In my darkest place, here was a chink of light. I also received support from loving family and friends; and from my psychiatrist, who listened to what was important to me. All these factors meant that I managed to avoid going in to hospital and had a speedy recovery. Asking for help I now see as a great strength! Why battle on your own when there is always someone who can listen to you, and guide you on your recovery journey and make life easier for you? After I returned to work, my boss helped me to complete a WRAP (wellness recovery action plan). I’ve found it to be a really powerful and helpful tool. It has raised my awareness. Most importantly, it helps me recognise trigger signs, so that I can deal with them more quickly. The next time I had a blip I used my WRAP, called my support network, and signed myself off from work. I was back at work the next week – I had succeeded in taking control of my illness! During this blip I came up with an idea for some children’s stories based on characters called the Snugglefluff Angels. This was an example of something positive coming out of bipolar for me, as it has for the many successful and creative people who are bipolar. In the stories the Snugglefluff Angels’ favourite game is to play Happy Tag, as there’s nothing better than making someone smile. I also created the SourGrumps, to help children learn about negative emotions and things that they can do to work through them. When I first started with Penumbra, we all had to do our own PATH, which is when you draw your dream life. It felt strange to want more for myself, as I had always felt so undeserving, but I used my imagination and created my dream of becoming a famous author and running my own successful business. I have recently launched soft toys and stories about the Snugglefluff Angels and that dream is now becoming a reality. The Snugglefluff Angels have helped children through bereavement, with temper tantrums and with night terrors, and they have helped me take even more control of my life. I have started to believe in myself, respect myself and like myself. I’ve also found that writing helps me deal with my emotions, and takes me to a fun place in my imagination - a welcome change after 8 years of dark thoughts. Before my recovery journey started, a good friend once said to me: “If you keep doing the same things, the same things will keep happening.” I wish I had realised the strength of my friend’s words when I’d first heard them and taken responsibility for my actions much sooner. You can have all the support in the world but the thing that will really make a difference to your recovery is you. Realising I have a choice means that I do not sacrifice myself for others anymore. In the past I always looked after everyone else’s happiness before I looked after my own. I now look after my happiness first, as it is vital to ensure my good health. I realise that life is still going to chuck me a swerve ball now and then - it’s how I deal with it that counts. In writing my recovery story, there is a lot of looking back. I remember moving to Scotland when I was a young girl, and a group of kids called me names. I thought - “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never harm me!” I’m sure you will remember these words too, but I’m afraid to say we had it very wrong! Through my journey I have learnt that words are extremely powerful. In my relationship I was told I was ‘thick’ and ‘stupid’ every day and if you get told something often enough, you start to believe it. Emotional and verbal abuse can take away the very essence of you, including your hopes and dreams. These days I am very careful about what I watch, read and listen to. I very rarely moan or speak negatively and always have a smile on my face. In this story I have spoken about my mental illness, but now I always talk about my mental health. And every day I work at staying recovered and keeping mentally healthy, for example by reading self-help books - positive words help to keep me aware, healthy, well and happy. In November 2009 I was asked to give a talk to 100 people at the Penumbra staff conference. I stood on the podium and talked about the service I run – the Nova Project. It was overwhelming seeing how far I’d come and hard not to cry. Ten years before I had been seriously unwell. I had lost everything and had been told that I would probably never hold down a job. Ten years later here I was standing in front of 100 work colleagues, speaking about innovation in mental health. My experience of mental health has definitely made me a stronger and better person. I hope that by writing my story that I can help more people in their recovery and help break down the stigma of mental health problems. As the Snugglefluff Angels say: ‘Happiness is a precious gift.’ I’m grabbing it with both hands and enjoying my journey, which is now full of hopes, dreams, aspirations and a strong belief in myself. If you’d like to share your thoughts or experiences of recovery then contact us on This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or 0141 240 7790 to discuss. Click here to go back to previous page |
Story Tags
activism community/socialising/inclusion coping strategies creativity depression employment (+) exercise female hospital male medication medication (-) peer support (informal) and befriending seeing things differently self knowledge/learning/growth self management sense of self support from family support from friends support from mental health professionals supportive spouse/partner taking control talking therapies voluntary mental health services volunteering Story disclaimer
The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure. See our Submit Your Thoughts pages for details on how to submit a story to us or you can contact us.
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