Illegitimi Nil Carborundum (Don't let the bastards grind you down)

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Author: Stuart Cochrane
Published: 15 May 2007

In 1991 Stuart Cochrane had a top ten dance hit with “everybody's free (to feel good)” under the name of Rosalla. The successes and excesses of his life as a successful DJ and music producer led to severe mental health problems and hospitalisation. In his recovery story Stuart looks at the factors that positively influenced him: family support, therapeutic relationships, hope and self reliance.

I feel it’s important to speak out and share my story in order to help out other people, show them that people can and do recover from mental health problems. At one stage I spent three months planning my suicide. It was a terrible time. Things are very different now. My life is very different from how it was and it’s not where I imagined I would be. I have family and friends around me and I feel that I have an incredible future.

I reached a major turning point in my recovery last year. I had just spent five months on an acute ward and left with my confidence destroyed. My father then took ill, was diagnosed with cancer and admitted to a hospice. For the fourteen years previously whenever I thought I was getting better I would throw my medication away. Before he died my father asked me to do one thing for him, to make a promise. He asked me to take my medication. I promised him I would and that was my turning point - taking responsibility for my illness.

I used to end up in hospital twice a year, in February and at the end of summer. You could almost set a clock by it. This year I have not gone in to hospital. At 45 I now accept my illness and take responsibility for how I feel. What’s happened to me is my fault, but it wasn’t always that way.

Music has been a huge influence on my life even from school age. Music was my passion although I did a real variety of jobs in my teens, from working in the health board to selling curtains in the market. By the time I was 19 I was an assistant manager of a USA finance company. The regional manager offered me a promoted position working in Newcastle. He gave me the weekend to think over this opportunity. It was a huge decision to make about my future. I spoke to my family about it and my Gran gave me a brilliant piece of advice, “do what’s in your heart” she told me. After giving it some thought I handed in my notice to the regional manager on the Monday and arranged to go Ibiza for the summer and focus on music. It was a real turning point in my life.

For the next ten years I worked in Ibiza in the summer as a DJ and returned to Scotland for the winter. Balearic music was introduced in 1988 and the music scene all went bananas! Back in Scotland I started running independent raves and music events, which led to managing a successful nightclub in Dundee. The next year I was involved in opening a new nightclub in Glasgow – The Tunnel. Life was good. I had success in business, DJing and was happy with my long term girlfriend. I had the cars, cash, house, …the lot!

I was doing really well with things financially and I hired a finance manager to look after my investments and my father’s life savings. Unfortunately he invested in the Bank of Credit and Commerce International (BCCI) which went in to liquidation.

I blamed myself for the loss of my dad’s money. The guilt and fear caused by this crisis led to a breakdown. I was admitted to Bellsdyke Hospital for three months. I left hospital with nothing and had to start over again from scratch. I went back to Ibiza and started up a business. It didn’t last; eventually I became unwell again and was readmitted to hospital.

Once I left hospital I slowly started trying to rebuild my life, making a living from my DJing and producing music. I made decent money again and managed to pay off my parent’s mortgage. 1997 was a huge year for me in Ibiza, one of my best summers. When I came back to Scotland I experienced a really tough time with a friend of mine. It affected me badly and I ended up being unwell again.

Music was not the only constant influence in those early days. Cannabis had been a part of my life since I was about 16, but the DJing and Glasgow music scene brought the temptation of other drugs my way. I took cocaine, cannabis, acid and ecstasy, but cannabis was definitely the worst for me, it frazzled my brains. What worries me is that people think it’s a safe drug, but it’s not. I abused it and it abused me back. In the music industry people think nothing of taking drugs, I don’t think they realise what damage it can really do to your mind and your life.

At that point I made the decision to turn my back on music. I gave away all my recording equipment and all my music – a collection of over 12,000 records! The next seven years had me going in and out of psychiatric hospitals. Initially they diagnosed me as having bi-polar disorder, this changed about six years ago to schizoaffective disorder. While in hospital I was told things like, “You’re the worst patient I’ve ever seen. You’re chronically unwell, you’ll never get better”. What can you do with that? It leaves you feeling like there is no hope.

My family supported me by financing every alternative therapy and treatment on the go. I even ate gold at one point! All this time I was expecting someone else to fix me, something to cure me. It wasn’t until my father was dying that I realised I was responsible for my wellbeing. I had to take charge of my life. Up until this point I had expected other people to look after me to some extent because I was ill, I had taken no personal responsibility for fourteen years.

I started to read self help books and work on myself. Every so often I would reveal a nugget of truth about myself and I would step forward. Then I started seeing a new psychotherapist. I had been to lots of therapists in the past, but this time I took the responsibility for getting this my self and gave up smoking to pay for it. The feeling of knowing I had paid for it was great; I was in control and being self reliant.

The therapist was brilliant; I developed a trust in her that allowed me to feel safe. For the first six weeks I would just cry for hour, but eventually more wee nuggets of insight would come out and I would work on it for the rest of the week. It was a slow start and from the outside it must have looked like I was getting sick again.

The professionals wanted to stop me from going to see my therapist at one stage, but I convinced them enough to let me go on. They thought I was getting ill because of her but she was the only thing helping me. To give them their dues they probably over reacted because I have been very ill in the past, this was around the time of year I usually ended up in hospital and you could set your clock by me. It was their approach that didn't work. I am now trying to get my professional support team and other professionals in my area to see that if they want people to recover they have to support them, give them hope and tell them that people can and do recover.

Now I’m in recovery I can accept my illness. Acceptance was a huge thing for me. I accept I have a mental health problem and that, for now, I have to take medication to control my symptoms, but don’t have to like it. My desire to get better and take control of my life has confused the professionals but I hope to get them on my side, show them that I am in recovery and that I’m working on myself.

I now see my role in assisting the message of recovery, helping others to see that it is possible. The first step is to share this recovery story with others then be involved in setting up a recovery network in my area. I hope to have a group where you could come in and see carers, professionals and those who have experienced mental health problems sitting together and not know which was which. The stigma that surrounds mental illness is another thing I would like to help tackle. People do tight turns in the street to avoid me. Their attitude is their problem, not mine!

My confidence and self esteem have taken a real knock from being in hospital. I used to think nothing of talking to a crowd of over 15,000 people at a rave, now I sometimes find it difficult to meet someone’s eye in a bar. This is changing though, I just need to be patient and work on myself, not rely on my medication to take care of these things.

There are specific things that I know helped me on my journey. Forgiving other people in the past and forgiving myself has been a big step. Forgiveness is an amazing thing, as is being grateful and thankful. In the past I was so selfish! Changing my perspective has been very important in my recovery, especially with support for friends and family.

I used to be a successful businessman and that entrepreneurial spirit is still in me. I have ideas about projects all the time and I know I could make them a success, but I don’t dream of financial gains or big houses any more; I want the satisfaction of knowing I am helping others.

I now know the triggers, I know how to stay well, I know how to support others but not at the detriment of myself. Where I am now I need to find patience and confidence, but they will come. The jag and the ward are not in the equation anymore.

Life just keeps getting better; I have now been accepted on a recovery leadership training course funded by the Scottish Executive. Only eight people in my area have been selected for this training, mostly psychiatrists and nurses, in fact I am the only service user. This has been another huge step up for me and has lead to a reduction in the amount of medication I have to take as part of my compulsory treatment order.

I keep a shortlist of all the good things in my life so that when ever I feel down I can check up on it. On my current list is: walking my dog, one of the records I made and taking my car for a run. When you think about that the bad things go away. My new mantra is - If you have a good thing in your head you can’t go wrong!

I can’t change the past but I have a half a lifetime still to live and I know I have a lot to offer. I just think differently about things now and I know I can rely on myself. An excessive lifestyle, too much stress and selfishness and taking on too much emotionally from those I cared about has made me very ill in the past. Now I know the triggers, I know how to stay well, I know how to support others but not at the detriment of myself. Where I am now I need to find patience and confidence, but they will come. The jag and the ward are not in the equation anymore.

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Story disclaimer

The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure.

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