Hindsight is a wonderful thing

Hindsight is a wonderful thing if memories have been healed. Before they are, a memory can inject feelings that can cause the present to have little meaning. They say ‘time heals’. Time allows healing to take place, but for some time is an enemy, especially if circumstances have robbed one of what made life worthwhile.

It was 30 years ago that I moved to Scotland from Exeter, where I lived in a Christian Fellowship for 10 years doing domestic work within the house. I was very happy there, until someone who took over persistently began to make my life so difficult that I had to move.

After living in an English town, living in a Scottish village was very different, and because I hadn’t got over previous events, I found life very difficult. Even though it was a similar situation and work, I began to find it more and more difficult to get things done and meet the needs of others. Because of this, I began to withdraw and became more and more isolated within the house. I had my own room and would escape there. It is very difficult to advance when you are in retreat. I didn’t know why I felt as I did. I became a recluse for almost a year and lost the ability to communicate. Eventually, a psychiatrist was called who had me admitted into hospital. Although I tried to resist, I soon found myself surrounded by caring and understanding people and those worse off than myself. For the first time I didn’t have to avoid questions or pretend how I felt.

After a little while I was offered ECT but refused. Because of this, my social worker informed me I was to be discharged. Friends who were in another Fellowship made a home for me for a few months, and from there I went to live in a hostel. After 3 months I was re-admitted to hospital when my mother died, as my social worker felt I needed more support. I was, in fact, in there for almost three years, mainly because I didn’t have a home or family.

I had tremendous support from my social worker who encouraged and helped me in all ways. I was also fortunate enough to have a doctor who really listened and recommended that I should be in a rehabilitation ward as opposed to a psychiatric ward. In this ward I began to pick up skills like cooking and other activities that I had previously enjoyed. There seemed more meaning and I was supported to go shopping until, when the rehab ward re-located to a town, I would go alone. This gave me confidence and purpose. Also, there was an Elim church opposite, so I was able to attend church again. This was important for me.

There are many factors which I believe were crucial to my recovery. The most significant one was forgiveness. I had been a Christian for many years and I found encouragement from the Pastor and church members, spiritually. Soon I began to feel different and found I was able to say, “I can forgive, I CAN forgive...” It was like stepping out of a prison for me when, after 10 years, I was able to forgive the person who had been responsible for me having to leave everything I loved in England. This was a definite turning point. I had never realised what a block this had been for me or how concealing a hurt would damage me. Having been released from the past, I have had no more depression since and my Christian faith has deepened as God has helped me rebuild my life. Willpower has been important but I can’t attribute all my recovery to willpower, although I believe that what we do is a matter of our will. If we want to do a something enough we’ll do our best to do it. Will and desire is a driving force in our lives.

The Council had earmarked a flat for me in Lanark, which I tried no to think about too much, never having lived on my own before! Upon discharge, I set up home in this flat alone for the first time in my life. I realised that I would have to ‘make’ a life for myself. I did have warm friends in the Fellowship there who were supportive, but no one can be with you every hour of the day except One.

It took a while to become familiar with shopping, cooking and generally getting out and about. The alternative was to sit in alone. Since 1990, with God’s help, I have rebuilt my life. Often it was a lonely path. Taking up swimming after 30 years took determination. These days I love going swimming. Learning to mix with people who knew little or nothing about mental illness or personal limitations was necessary. I had to take the label off from around my neck and take my eyes off myself, for people to be able to accept me.

After 3 years I was re united with my son, who I had to give up because of my original breakdown as a young woman. The Salvation Army traced him for me.

John, who I had known 15 years from the Fellowship house, would visit and support me. He saw me recover and, it was therefore a compliment when, having seen me at my worst he asked me to marry him. Fortunately, I knew it would be a case of give and take. Even though we had known each other so long I asked for time. I wanted to be prepared within myself. Marriage isn’t for one own sake. I realised I would need to put someone before myself. Someone once said, “Pain makes you a prisoner to yourself.” I found mental illness does the same. It would have been a disaster not to feel ready. Having lived on my own for 28 years, married life needed some adjustment. It still does! At the time of writing, we have been happily married 14 years.

My son gave me away at our wedding and, within a couple of years I became a granny when his partner had a little boy. I didn’t know how I’d feel about being a grandmother but, as a friend said, it is a ‘love affair’. I now have 2 lovely grandsons and have put a lot of work into the relationships. It seems mutual.

It is common and a good feeling when one has recovered from something to want to ‘give back.’ I found working for the WRVS in the local General Hospital fulfilling. Also, for over 10 years now, I have worked with people with learning difficulties. I believe my own experience of feeling inadequate and lacking in motivation gave me a great desire to make life more enjoyable for them. The patience I needed made me appreciate having been shown it myself by others and especially by God.