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Coming home

Author: Jamila Brown
Published: September 2011

Jamila Brown is a successful writer and performer. Here she describes her recovery experience as a women of mixed race. In her narrative Jamila touches on a broad range of helping and hindering factors including race and identity, parenting and family life, university study, creativity, trauma, therapy and spirituality.

I am a mixed race woman (Scots-Irish mother, my father from Peshawar). Within the context of that background and culture, “mental”, health as a subject was never in the vocabulary and “depression” was a word and concept never used or discussed.

From a personal perspective, on reflection, I can see now where the roots of depression took hold for me. I am the oldest first-born girl, from ten younger siblings. As for my youth.... think of the film “East is East” but much darker. I can relate to that film - it was the first time I saw my family life reflected on screen.

Having been subject to racism in the school playground in the early 60’s definitely affected my self esteem. Even worse, I felt so ashamed of the often daily name calling. I never told my parents about being called “darkie”, “paki”, “get back to your own country” but this experience affected my sense of mixed race identity, and my self confidence.

I’ve experienced depression on and off for the past two decades. I became very skilled at covering it up. I started to feel a bit low and anxious, not quite on top of things (which I now understand to be disassociation). I definitely didn’t value myself, deep inside – I saw myself as “damaged goods”. My one saving grace was being a mother to my two boys (both now in their 30’s). I embraced this role. It gave me a sense of purpose, and definitely helped my self confidence. Also, in the early days, I studied for a drama degree and I loved it, received exemptions in the 1st and 2nd years (unknown to me, I had undiagnosed dyslexia and P.T.S.D). So I subsequently struggled, and left university (minus my degree). Also at that time, I was also going through a traumatic divorce, and facing life alone as a single mother. On reflection, that experience was my first serious bout of depression. Work wise – I became involved in community drama, and I eventually found my niche as a group facilitator – working with different culturally diverse and ethnic groups in the community. Having depression (especially if it’s undiagnosed) can leave you feeling very isolated (you never completely trust people) and I did not have the ability to develop close relationships with other people. Again, having two young sons, gave my life purpose and meaning – but often it feels as if I was leading a double life.

Over the next decade or so (from the 80’s) I felt that the “recovery” process happened gradually.

I am a voracious reader, and I found various writers who reflected, some experiences of my life, and I related to this. Alice Walker, Maya Angelou, Zadie Smith, I admired and found these writers, really inspirational and I joined a creative writing class. The first class, was therapeutic writing class, and it helped me to get my feelings out through poetry and sharing work in a group setting. I started being more open, and honest, about my hidden feelings of despair, being isolated, and feeling different from other people. Even better than that - I could now write about it. I wrote about racism in the playground, being mixed-race and “different” in a positive and empowering way, and I began to construct a 10 minute, spoken word poem – about the journey, of depression and recovery called “BLUE”.

In my process of recovery getting the right information was crucial. I have received different types of counselling, and also psychotherapy (some NHS and some private), which have all proved profoundly helpful. This was particularly the case where the therapist was from a culturally mixed background.

I got tested for dyslexia in my late forties, and a ten page report was produced detailing the type of dyslexia I had and also the permanent support I would need within a work and study context. Finally I also went to a new GP and felt confident enough to share with him my struggle with the periods of hopelessness and despair that I experienced and the stress it caused me to keep it hidden. He was very helpful – he also understood the depression and finally I was diagnosed as having reactive depression.

Initially Prozac was suggested (which I found not to be helpful) and my name was put on the list for psychotherapy (my request). At the same time I started a ten week course at the local women’s counselling service to teach childhood sexual abuse survivors (I am one) how to manage the long term effects of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I don’t particularly believe in labels but in my case identifying my conditions was helpful. All of this, proved to be a turning point for me in terms of my recovery and healing process because at last I had identification of all those untreated conditions I had been living with in isolation for so long made sense. And – I was not to blame for my conditions.

Work-wise, I was working with asylum seeking groups, and many different people from marginalised communities, and I also set up a community based craft social enterprise, and won two social enterprise awards of seed funding, helping my recovery in the process. My poems were published in different anthologies and I was regularly invited to share my pieces. My craft project was a “cultural integration” award in 2007, competing against 9 other Scottish wide, BME projects. Various community based mental health projects also championed my work - VOX (Voices of eXperience) invited me to share my piece ‘BLUE’ at the Scottish Mental Health and Film Festival for the past 3 years. I also attended an International Mental Health Conference, last year. I’ve been involved in various events on stigma with ‘see me’, and recently took part in a film called, “Beyond Prejudice” with see me, VoX and GAMH.

Five years ago, through working with 7:84 company (as a writer), I connected with SGI Buddhism, and I am now an SGI Buddhist. This act of mentally becoming, and committing, to Buddhism, has probably had the most profound effect on my recovery journey – I have found a sense of community locally, nationally and internationally - the twice daily, rituals of prayer, and chanting puts me, in a state of calm, and extreme positivity – the clear, rational, thought, and thinking, is referred to “high life state” by Buddhists.

More importantly – I now have deep respect for myself, and my life and I have experienced a sense of joy, and happiness, and interconnectedness.

So dear reader, recovery is definitely possible!! My recovery process involved: talking therapies, outlets to enable me to express myself creatively, finding a faith that fits with me. For other people, the recovery process might involve medication and anti-depressants and I realise this form of treatment can help many people. I had many layers of different undiagnosed needs and needed specialist help and support, particularly in relation to the PTSD. This may be cause of depression and other mental health conditions for many people.

I am now the SGI Buddhist co-leader for the heart of Glasgow, City, District.

From being a young, bullied, mixed race girl, with no self-confidence and self belief – I feel I’ve become an expert in the area of human relations! I could now say I could live next door to a hungry lion!!

If you are from a culturally diverse background I hope, by reading this, you will be encouraged, to access support. Don’t waste a moment of your precious life!! One of the most inspirational quotes that kept me going through recovery is from the black Afro American writer – Maya Angelou, “the question is not just to survive, but to THRIVE, with passion, compassion, humour and style.”

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