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Behind closed doors

Author: Donna
Published: 6th May 2011

Donna, now a mental health support worker, suffered with anxiety, depression and paranoia since her teenage years before receiving a diagnosis for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) and eventually deciding to take the decision to have a hysterectomy in her late twenties. Here Donna explores her recovery journey, looking at her life before diagnosis and treatment, her experiences of suicide, the role of nursing staff and GP’s attitudes to recovery, and the positive effect of WRAP alongside the support of her family and friends, in overcoming her mental health problems and enjoying life to the full.

Behind closed doors – that’s where ‘IT’ happens. What is ‘IT’? Well I reckon ‘IT’ for many people is mental health problems; Anxiety, depression, suicide and everything in-between. I don’t think for one minute that my story will be unique, I think it will hit home to a lot of people, and may help them realise they are not alone and ‘IT’ is nothing to be ashamed about.

Twenty three years old – good job, relatively normal upbringing, engaged to my childhood sweetheart – the world was my oyster. So why did I try to take my own life and why did no one hear my cries for help before it was almost too late? To cut a very long and complicated story short, from age nineteen I had suffered from anxiety and paranoia. This, we later discovered, was linked to my menstrual cycle and became much worse and more complex as time went on. My condition was finally diagnosed as PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) at the age of twenty-nine and treated with hormonal therapy and surgery accordingly.

Age twenty-three, after a particularly sensitive reaction to medication, I tried to take my own life. To this day I have no idea what happened but obviously something did. There is no point trying to make sense of suicide unless you are in that position at that time, as you have no idea what is going through your mind. All I can remember is that I was feeling so very guilty at being a burden to my family; I felt like a failure because I had ‘chosen to be depressed’ and that they would be better off without me in their lives. Suicide must have made sense to me at that point.

When I woke up I felt so disgusted with myself, I became very upset and was then told by a very ‘caring’ nurse that it was my own fault I was in the state I was in; just what I needed to hear. Thankfully at the change of shift another nurse took time to sit with me and simply hold my hand. Her words stay with me to this day: “Whatever it was that made you do this I don’t need to know but what I need you to know is that things can and will get better”. This was followed by a week-long stay in a psychiatric ward, during which time I was given drugs to sedate me and, well, that was it! They let me out when I promised to stay at my mum’s and put me on a waiting list for counselling – waiting time 4-6 months – GREAT!!

So, what had made me feel that this was my only exit route from the pain that I was in? When you say pain people automatically assume physical pain but the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my life is the pain of anxiety and depression. Anyone reading this who has experienced either will know what I mean. My illness was characterised by approx two weeks of feeling ‘normal’ every month followed by two weeks of what I can only describe as hell.

My ‘hell’ continued and worsened from the age of twenty-three, more so after the birth of my two beautiful children, with each hormonal event causing my hormones to react even more fiercely. Insomnia, despair, panic attacks, irritability and overwhelming paranoia were just a few of the symptoms.

I had always managed to regain enough control and strength in my two good weeks each month - life for me was ‘normal’ then. However as time went on the good days were becoming less frequent and I could feel myself slipping into a place I did not want to return to. Interestingly this mostly happened ‘behind closed doors’, especially after the children were born. What if someone thought I was mad? What if they thought I could not cope with my children? What if they took them away from me? All these ‘what if’s’ would fly through my head on a regular basis over my two ‘bad’ weeks and then I used to be able to see sense and reality for the next two.

One thing I am extraordinarily proud of is the fact that until the last few months before my surgery my kids never saw me cry, never saw me lose control. People always assume when you say you suffered from mental illness that you went a bit crazy. I think this is why most people had no idea what was going on in my life, because most of the time I could remain ‘in control’ enough to keep going with daily life; however come 6pm when my husband came home I would literally crumble. This is when I would turn on myself; it was as if I could bottle it up all day but as soon as I had ‘taken my face off’ I would fall to pieces. There was many a night that I would gladly have taken myself to hospital to just be ‘knocked out’, anything to take away the mental pain, but then they would all think I had lost the plot – that I was not capable of looking after my kids. I knew I hadn’t lost the plot, I knew that whatever was happening to me was out with my control, but trying to get doctors to listen – well that was hopeless.

What changed? Well, a few things. Firstly I moved house and got a new GP who recognised my symptoms and worked WITH ME to get the specialist medical treatment required. After trying various combinations of hormone preparations, the only option left was to put my body into artificial menopause via GnRH injections, therefore shutting off my hormones. The first month or two was a bit ropey but then bliss!! This however was a double-edged sword as for me the only permanent answer was a complete hysterectomy.

At the age of twenty-nine this was a huge decision to make, but I could not return to the anxiety, depression, paranoia and the exhaustion that this condition had caused me. So in Aug 2008 I had my ovaries and womb removed. People could not understand why I would take such drastic action, but they did not understand and hadn’t had to live with PMDD. Literally half of my life for the last ten years was spent in a place that I never wanted to return to.

The other thing that happened was WRAP. I had started doing some relief work for as mental health charity and was sent on WRAP training. As soon as I started listening it was like a EUREKA moment. Something that could help me take back control of my life. At this point I was relatively stable due to my GnRh injections, however, I still knew that I was about to undergo life changing surgery which would affect me mentally. I actually used WRAP to plan for my surgery; how I might feel and how I would deal with my feelings. I shared it with my close friends and family, asking them to watch out for my early warning signs and also to ‘top me up’ with lots of my wellness tools whilst I was on the road to recovery both physically and mentally.

Post surgery I have obviously had a lot of issues to deal with; you cannot go through ten years of what I did and come out the other side without ‘needing a bit of work’ so to speak! Although my symptoms have been removed the memories remain and they themselves are hard to deal with. I have learnt to go easy on myself. I have also learnt that positive thinking and hope are essential for recovery. Recovery really is a journey, and you may visit the same station more than once, but if you are determined you will get to your destination in the end.

Some people feel sorry for me, but I think I am very lucky. I am lucky that I am a strong person, and that when I wasn’t strong I had people around me who were strong and held hope for me. I am lucky that I have two beautiful boys and a wonderful husband and that I can now enjoy life with them every week of the month. I am lucky that although I had a breakdown, or as I call it my ‘breakthrough’, I came back and I learned so much that I am certain I am a better, stronger, more understanding person today.

Most of all I am lucky to be alive, healthy and happy (most of the time!) I am now working as a support worker for a mental health charity, helping others on their own road to recovery. I have been a keynote speaker at Women’s Health Events in Glasgow and London and I hope in the near future to deliver recovery-focused training and I’m also working with specialists in women’s health to promote a better understanding of how big an effect hormones can have on women. Most importantly I am just enjoying being me again.

Although I have now ‘recovered’ in terms of my physical health, my journey is far from over. I am putting back together the pieces of my life, but am also committed to helping others who may be suffering and no one is listening. We all know our bodies and minds, and the sooner health professionals really start to listen to us the better holistic healthcare will become.

Helpful link: National Association For Pre Menstrual Syndrome

If you’d like to share your thoughts or experiences of recovery, then contact the Scottish Recovery Network on This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or 0141 240 7790 to discuss.

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