To Hell and Back | Stories from the narrative research project

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To Hell and Back

Published: February 2006

This story shows how volunteering, being a befriender and being involved in local organisations can help in recovery.

For me, recovery means that I’m not in hospital and I’m not sitting in supported accommodation somewhere with someone looking after me. Since I’ve recovered, I’ve found that in spite of my illness I can still contribute and have an input into what goes on in my life, input that is not necessarily tied up with medication, my mental illness or other illnesses. I’ve been able to overcome my illnesses and in spite of them have a quality of life that I didn’t have before. I had a great deal of supportive help from my GP, CPN, psychiatrist, and the local psychiatric hospital. They have helped me to explore some of the emotional and behavioural problems that were troubling me. Medication helped in my recovery and, after juggling pills at the start of my treatment, they found out which pills were beneficial and which ones had an adverse effect and we were able to get a balance and find something that suited me. Through my experience at the psychiatric hospital as a day patient I gained knowledge and a number of coping skills to help me deal with my mental illness.

When I was coming out of the day hospital I tried to access a drop in centre in my local area. There was criteria you had to fit into in order to attend their drop ins and by this time I didn’t fit the criteria so I was thrown to one side. The lady came in and wasn’t able to tick all the boxes, so that was me considered better as far as they were concerned; I felt that I’d been pushed back under the stone that I’d just crawled out of. It seemed then that to re-access that level of service I would have to go back into the system. It was suggested that I go along to a different mental health organisation which might be able to help, and they did.

Through them I got a befriender and he had a big input into my recovery. When I felt well enough I became a befriender to give something back, as having had been there myself, I know what it’s like. I still volunteer with the same organisation and I’m a member of the board. The people at the organisation have been very helpful and supportive and I get a lot of encouragement from them.

Another big aspect of my recovery has been Alcoholic Anonymous; I’m a member of that and I’ve got sixteen and a half years of total abstinence thanks to their help, and my drinking was all tied up with my mental illness of course. I started using alcohol at thirteen, I had all these emotional and growing up problems that were never addressed and alcohol allowed me to squash it all. When I sobered up, all these problems were still there of course because they’d never been dealt with, and I had to start that process. Now that I was sober, I was able to go to the doctor and the psychiatrist and tell them the truth for once in my life, which I hadn’t been able to do when I was using. I was finally able to be honest about my sexuality and that was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I was aware of it at twelve years old but I couldn’t talk about it because when I was young, remember, you went to jail for it. When I got honest, I was able to say to people, “Right, that’s what I am and if you don’t like it you can lump it.”

Spirituality played a big role in my recovery; I’m a practicing Buddhist. The philosophy of Buddhism appeals to me because there are no dictates on your diet or your habits, or anything else, you’re just allowed to be a human being.

Every problem and every hiccup was necessary for me to arrive at where I am today. The experience was required to give me the tools and knowledge to keep going. I maintain my recovery by attending AA, I’m quite involved in that obviously. Helping other people at AA and my volunteer work, I find the most helpful because it takes my mind off myself. I feel as if I’m doing a little good somewhere. I still pop my pills as suggested. I also have a lot of good friends; I’ve found a mix of people from all walks of life and there are the family attachments as well. My goal is to just to enjoy my retirement and my life. My advice to others in a similar situation would be to try and be honest and open-minded. Try not to get hung up on what you’re being told to pop or swallow or what’s suggested; to stop questioning so much and to try and do it. For anybody who is struggling, try and find a way of expressing what they need mentally and physically. The most important thing is to realise that recovery is possible. Everybody has mental aberrations, behavioural problems and emotional problems, which don’t necessitate medical or psychiatric intervention, but they’re still there. The so-called “normal people”, I’ve yet to come across one! At the end of the day I can turn around and say, well thank Christ I’m not normal!

AA did not open the gates of heaven and let me in – it opened the gates to hell and let me out.

This story was written based on this individuals interview for the SRNs narrative research project entitled, 'Recovering Mental Health in Scotland'. More information about the project can be found in the Narrative Research Project section of our website www.scottishrecovery.net.

If you’d like to share your own experience of recovery please contact This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or 0141 240 7790 to discuss.

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Story disclaimer

The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure.

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