To Hell and Back again, and again and again... | Stories from the narrative research project

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To Hell and Back again, and again and again...

Published: September 2005

This story explores how alternative therapies such as Music Therapy, Reiki, massage and aromatherapy have helped in recovery.

To me recovery suggests that you are going to go back to they way you were, doing the things you were doing before and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that, well I know I won’t. That’s why I wouldn’t say I’ve recovered because I still need the props and I’m on medication. I see it as a rehabilitation, learning to live, like people say, learning to live with cancer, learning to live with heart disease, learning to live with epilepsy or whatever, I’d like to say learning to live with it, adjusting your life around it and accepting yourself.

I’m more confident now then I was but I’m still very fragile. I find it challenging not to look back to what I was like before I was ill. I’m working to change my perspective, to view my life starting from when I was ill and look at what I’ve done since and to not look backwards but I find it very challenging. Initially it was the talking that helped me, with the psychiatrist, that definitely helped. I was in a day unit for nine months although I went home at night that helped me feel that I wasn’t so isolated and there were lots of other people from all walks of life that had problems and that made me think I wasn’t so alone. Music therapy helped a tremendous amount and I would put that with a big star, I would like to have had more of it. I also benefited from having a helpful and supportive GP and health visitor. I’m fortunate in having great friends who give me continuing encouragement. I’m also fortunate in having a garden, which I’ve got a love hate relationship with because it’s actually really to big to keep up but it gives me some serenity and something to focus on. Music and art, jigsaws also helped, it may sound like a very funny thing but I did hundred of jigsaws when I couldn’t do anything else. And basically, my own tenacity, I think really, it is so hard and it’s such a long process, it’s nine years ago since I stopped work and it’s just taken a long time. So for me, it’s a mixture of professional stuff, my own stuff and then alternative things like Reiki, massage, and aromatherapy have helped as well.

Music Therapy was amazing for me; it gave me an emotional release without me actually having to say anything. I wouldn’t have believed it if it hadn’t experienced it myself but I could actually feel the emotion coming out of me. It was said by the nurses that as soon as the music went on I changed and I just relaxed immediately. For me it was the feeling that I didn’t actually have to say anything, it was the non-verbal things, like the Music Therapy and Reiki, which helped me because sometimes I just couldn’t say anything. The process drained a whole lot of emotions through me and it was very tiring and stressful but it was good.

Art has helped as well, not really art therapy, it’s more just my own art. I wanted to do it and that’s something different for me because I had never done any art before I was ill. I wrote some poems when I was recovering as well and I’d never ever been able to do anything like that before so it was like a different part of my brain was working and since then I’ve had some poems published and I’ve sold a couple pieces of art. I never would have believed that would happen ten years ago; it seems as if a different part of my brain is working when the other parts aren’t!

I’m still on medication, I’d really like to be off everything but I know that I’ll probably be on it for the rest of my life. I did go off it for a while but I couldn’t seem to cope. It’s not been a terrible experience since I’ve been put on different medication. I do think it helps me but if I could have more alternative therapies, I would rather have that instead of the medication but that’s not possible at the moment. I’d like to try and have alternative therapies to reduce the medication and improve my wellbeing. The truth is it takes a lot more than medication to get well and stay well.

I continually tell myself that things are going to get better. I live in hope that it’s not always going to be like this. I just keep trying, sometimes it’s difficult to keep the willpower but I think it’s important to keep going and to keep trying to do more things than you have been doing. I’ve been involved in a mental health self help group and that’s helped in lots of respects. It’s kind of been like a bridge between going back and doing things with a group of ‘ordinary people’.

For the future I would like to have an exhibition of paintings and maybe write a book about what my life’s been like with some of my poems and pictures in it. When I did my Music Therapy I can remember saying my life was a whole jigsaw and it was all broke into thousands of pieces and that I wanted to put it back together to make a picture with all the pieces but a different picture and it’s putting those pieces together that’s difficult. I’ve learned to work at my own pace, to just plod on really, I just keep putting the pieces in the jigsaw and working to create that different picture.

This story was written based on this individuals interview for the SRNs narrative research project entitled, 'Recovering Mental Health in Scotland'. More information about the project can be found in the Narrative Research Project section of our website www.scottishrecovery.net.

If you’d like to share your own experience of recovery please contact This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or 0141 240 7790 to discuss.

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Story disclaimer

The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure.

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