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Stories Narrative research project stories There is More to Me than My Mental Health
Stories Narrative research project stories There is More to Me than My Mental Health
There is More to Me than My Mental Health |
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activism | advocacy | depression | hearing voices | hospital | housing | negative attitudes of service providers | paranoia | schizophrenia | seeing things differently | self knowledge/learning/growth | self management | sense of self | social work (+) | statutory mental health services (-) | support from mental health professionals | taking control
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Published: December 2005 This story explores how refocusing, self-reflection and having the confidence to challenge one’s own ideas and attitudes as well as other’s can impact on recovery. As a student 15 years ago I found myself struggling with life. I became increasingly unable to continue with my course, complete my work and interact socially. My sense of reality was changing and I couldn’t make sense of my experiences. I was eventually signed off sick, but things didn’t improve for me. I was referred to a psychiatrist attached to Student Health who, after trying medication, gave me the option of a short assessment stay in a psychiatric hospital. The ten days became three months and it was quite a shock, both being there and to find I couldn’t leave or even, at one stage, didn’t want to leave. I became aware that I had a real problem that I couldn’t make sense of and that I didn’t feel I had anyone to confide in. My hallucinations and paranoia were leading me to become very scared and I trusted no one. Over time I became the revolving door type of patient. The all time low point came when I was transferred, or as I viewed it dumped, on to a longer stay ward. On this longer stay ward I felt I was shown little or no respect. It was the most awful place and I hated it. Rehabilitation was a joke. In desperation I signed a lease on a flat, which worked in terms of persuading the consultant to discharge me. I was on a section and he had always refused my previous requests or challenges. But my challenge was granted on two conditions: that I met with a member of a newly formed ‘resettlement team’ and also with a social worker - considering my options I reluctantly agreed! This social worker recognised a troubled person, but also my potential, and provided me with the space and continuity to actually build up a relationship. I was still experiencing auditory hallucinations and was very depressed. I was still in and out of hospital and various supported accommodation. In one hostel that I began to challenge myself, my situation and how I might gain control over my experiences and life. I kept asking myself, “Is this it? Is this how life is going to be for me?” Initially, the manager was considering that his service was not meeting my needs as I had, apparently, refused to engage! Gobsmacked, I challenged this, and explained how difficult it was for me to be around people and to interact. Overcoming the communication barriers between the staff and myself enabled me to build up a relationship with some of the staff. These relationships were to be really beneficial for me in my experiences of recovery and finding myself. I eventually moved into my own tenancy, and five years on I am a very different person. My relationship over this time with my social worker has been the key thing for me. I began to realise that there were people who believed that there was more to me than my mental health. In my experience, one of my biggest bugbears of the mental health field has been the low level of expectation of people who have mental health issues. I challenged this whenever I could, sometimes out of fear that I really had lost my intelligence as well as my mental health. The emotional support I received helped and encouraged me to understand myself and my experiences in the context of everyday life. For a long period I went through a hellish time, no one had shared with me my diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia. I found this out by accident and at the time I thought the diagnosis was a life sentence. I knew nothing about my illness and felt that I had no control over it - I felt that medication was the only thing that could help. Thankfully I have overcome this and now see that medication is not the only answer. One of the major things I struggled with was this thing called ‘insight’. The attitude of ‘you should have insight about what is going on’ used to confuse and frustrate me. I had no idea what this meant or how to gain it. How could my reality be anything other than real? I tried, with a combination of reading, talking, and linking past life experiences to present distorted reality. Understanding didn’t come easily and, at times, I felt it would be easier to accept and stay in my distorted reality. Challenging my thoughts and experiences was difficult, especially as I didn’t quite believe that it was the right thing to do. Thankfully the pay-off has been worth it. I am extremely grateful to those who gave me the space to explore myself in the way I did. For me it was much more valuable than some form of formal interaction/therapy. I needed to feel that I was a whole person rather than a bunch of symptoms that had to be managed or controlled. At one point I had had a life ahead of me; I was a student about to step out into the world and make my mark until it was horribly stopped by mental illness. Recovery has made me believe that I am someone who is worthwhile. I’m not going to be a person shuffling along on a long-term rehab ward where not much is expected of you. I’m embarrassed to say that I used to think that this was the prognosis for people with my diagnosis. It’s very hard if you find other people are making decisions about your life and that they think they know best. I couldn’t accept this was to be my life. Having that attitude was really important, combined with other people believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself. The past couple of years, I have found myself able to both challenge and contribute to the provision and development of services. As I have found my voice I have taken opportunities to use it, thanks to the ‘user movement’ and collective advocacy. I’m not sure where the next few years will take me but it will be interesting and challenging and I know I can handle it. This story was written based on this individuals interview for the SRNs narrative research project entitled, 'Recovering Mental Health in Scotland'. More information about the project can be found in the Narrative Research Project section of our website www.scottishrecovery.net. If you’d like to share your own experience of recovery please contact This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or 0141 240 7790 to discuss. Click here to go back to previous page |
Story Tags
activism community/socialising/inclusion coping strategies creativity depression employment (+) exercise female hospital male medication medication (-) peer support (informal) and befriending seeing things differently self knowledge/learning/growth self management sense of self support from family support from friends support from mental health professionals supportive spouse/partner taking control talking therapies voluntary mental health services volunteering Story disclaimer
The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure. See our Submit Your Thoughts pages for details on how to submit a story to us or you can contact us.
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