Listen to the Little Voice Inside | Stories from the narrative research project

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Listen to the Little Voice Inside

Published: December 2005

This story highlights how creativity, self-awareness, and self-confidence can influence recovery. It also shows how being able to have control over one’s life can be important to recovery.

It was the break up of a long-term relationship that was the catalyst for my breakdown. It wasn’t the relationship that caused it, and the break up was just the trigger for stuff that was already there. Following it I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression and depersonalisation; I was totally confused, it was like suddenly being born at twenty-nine and not knowing what to do with myself.

Having a CPN and access to counsellors was really valuable in my recovery. Somebody who was not your family and who was not one of your friends, who would come and listen to all the crap, all the deep seeded feelings that you didn’t actually want to admit to yourself. Somebody who had the training to sit there and listen and to work out what they thought might be helpful for you and not just try to tell you what to do. I suppose that all CPN’s are good, but my CPN was particularly good in that she would put back what I said to her and I could look at it in a different way. She also gave me a huge amount of encouragement and helped me to see that I had lots of valuable attributes that I’d forgotten about. She would point out that I was very good at putting myself down and not patting myself on the back and saying, “You’ve done really well.” My CPN helped me explore and make sense out of my feelings because when they were intense, I couldn’t rationalise them. The CPN helped a lot to clarify the whirlwind of what was going on inside my head and kind of make sense out of it. You’ve got to have CPNs, they’re good people.

A big change for me was learning to say “no”, because I would quite happily go along with a lot of things just so I wouldn’t cause a fuss or upset anybody. I think what I didn’t realise was that I was using up my own energy reserves by not looking after myself. Being more responsible for myself has been a good thing for me and that came through counselling with the CPN and one of the counsellors. Being able to say “no”, it’s good; I am allowed to say no! Also, knowing what upsets me and being aware of situations that aren’t really good for me, is another thing that came up in counselling. Learning to deal with situations in a different way and feeling that I am empowered and more in control of what’s happening in my life, and knowing not to put myself in these situations where I don’t want to be was important as well. I’ve learned to be more resourceful and more confident about my decisions, which has been very significant in my recovery.

Therapeutic earning was another huge help for me on my recovery; it was a lifesaver for getting back to work, as a self-employed person and as an employed person. It was money that you were allowed to earn which was not taken off your incapacity benefit. It wasn’t a huge amount but it was enough to keep me going. Therapeutic earning was something that you were allowed to earn yourself and declare each week, but which would not be taken away from your incapacity benefit as long as you didn’t exceed a certain amount. It brought me up to a low wage and it was kind of a stepping board. For example, maybe you’re doing it for a month, two months, three months, goes onto six months and you think well, actually I don’t need my benefit anymore, I can earn everything myself. So you take tiny steps back into mainstream employment. When I went back to work, I went back part time as a care assistant, then that became more full time because they were so short staffed they needed more people to fill the hours, so I ended up filling them. As I did more hours I gained confidence. I found out recently that therapeutic earning doesn’t exist anymore, or at least they’ve greatly reduced it. But if therapeutic earnings hadn’t been available, doing little bits and gaining confidence, I don’t know how I would have gotten back into the working world. How on earth do they expect people to gain confidence so that they can function in society again, when perhaps they are feeling like a failure or unconfident about a lot of things?

Having the wrong medication really hindered my recovery because I was put onto one medication and at that point I didn’t know any better. When you’re not in control of what you’re thinking and having severe anxiety turns you’re waking up every hour, every half an hour, waking up all the time, not sleeping, waking up sweating, experiencing disturbed sleep patterns. Through the day, every minute feels like five hours, and it’s just this tremendous speed of thought; probably not the best idea to put somebody who is experiencing that onto something that speeds their thinking up even more! I did go back to my local GP saying, “Geez, I’m feeling even nuttier now, this is worse!” And the doctor said, “No, no, no, you must take these, these will calm you down, this will help you. They take three or four weeks to get into you.” With this experience I started to question the medication, and whether the medication was wrong - but the diagnosis was depression, anxiety and depersonalisation and the doctor reassured me the this medication was supposed to help with depression and bit of anxiety. He maybe was right, he was doing what he thought was right. But in retrospect, looking back, I know never to touch that medication again.

I will not go down that road again, if I feel that I need something, you know, “Just give me the Valium, babe!” It’s a good drug that is getting taken off doctors lists, but it’s actually very helpful for people who just need head space to have time to feel confident and get relaxed and feel that they can work again. I found that a big part of my recovery was finding something that just slowed me down and calmed me down, it gave me the time and the confidence, “Yeah, I am coping, this is fine.” I think having the right medication at the right time is very important to recovery.

I haven’t had to have anything for maybe four years now, three or four years, but it’s also having confidence. I’m confident now that I would go and fight my corner and not be put on the wrong medication again.

Creative activity is one part of recovery; we did a couple of workshops for the National Schizophrenia Fellowship when I was a student at the art school and it seemed to be that the participants really seemed to enjoy doing things. Expressing themselves and getting things down on paper and just doing stuff with heir hands, transferring what was going on in their minds on to paper. From an art point of view people got a result, they had something to take home that they were happy with and that they’d done! We didn’t do it, we were there to facilitate and to help, but all the participants had done it themselves. Art is really important because people can leave it, they can do a bit and then leave it and if it changes it doesn’t matter because nothing is wrong in art.

I make driftwood mirrors and blackboards and I do colour texture photography, and I think that has been a big part of getting better too; being able to express myself and get absorbed in what I really enjoy doing. And because that’s part of me, making money out of it as well and making a living out of it. Probably fifty, sixty percent of my living comes from that now and it’s a significant part of my income, and that’s a confidence boost as well that somebody actually likes what I do, somebody actually enjoys what’s going on in my mind, what I’m thinking about.

I find that my recovery goes in a leaps and bounds; it would be sort of up and down and up and down, but each time not quite getting back to the place that I call the bad, bad place. I think for me, and maybe it’s the same for some others, that sometimes you have to get to a really, really low point, or somewhere where it’s not comfortable to be with yourself before you can start to rebuild again. I’m learning about balance, trying to get the balance right and I’m getting better at getting it right. I perhaps should have listened a little bit more to the little voice inside that tells you, “Maybe that’s not right for me, I’m not sure about that.” My advice would be to listen to that little voice, and I think that that’s what usually guides you to what you are really wanting. Even if you don’t know what it is, there will be something, maybe you’ll meet someone, who knows what, but there will be something.

My goal is to be content in life, to be happy, to be well, to continue to be well. I feel I’ve kind of reached my goal and if I can keep that up, that’s great. I know that there will be times when things will slide, I know that not everybody bowls along a hundred percent all the time, but I’ve achieved this for the moment.

I am really fortunate - I have my own business, I own my home, I’ve got my three legged cat, I’ve got a beautiful garden, I’ve got an ancient car called Bunty which works and doesn’t fall to pieces, I can pay my bills and I am to be able to support myself. I have achieved having peace of mind in my life, what more could I want?

This story was written based on this individuals interview for the SRNs narrative research project entitled, 'Recovering Mental Health in Scotland'. More information about the project can be found in the Narrative Research Project section of our website www.scottishrecovery.net.

If you’d like to share your own experience of recovery please contact This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or 0141 240 7790 to discuss.

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Story disclaimer

The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure.

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