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Stories Narrative research project stories Severe and enduring recurrent depression with psychotic episodes - speaks for itself, doesn’t it?
Stories Narrative research project stories Severe and enduring recurrent depression with psychotic episodes - speaks for itself, doesn’t it?
Severe and enduring recurrent depression with psychotic episodes - speaks for itself, doesn’t it? |
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aromatherapy | coping strategies | depression | hospital | massage | medication | music | negative attitudes of service providers | physical health | psychosis | seeing things differently | self help | self help groups | self knowledge/learning/growth | self management | sense of self | spirituality | statutory mental health services (+) | support from friends | taking control | voluntary mental health services
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Published: December 2005 This story shows how self-determination, trusting one’s self and having self-belief have helped with recovery. Recovery feels absolutely great. Well, not every moment of every day of course, but in general it’s great. It feels really good to have been where I’ve been in my own head, and now not to be there anymore. And I am unable to imagine any sort of scenario that would ever take me there again. It feels absolutely terrific, most of the time it feels great. What has changed is that I want to live. I want to live a lot, very much so. I’m happy a lot of the time, as opposed to just wanting to die, and wanting to hide from everything. Being frightened – I’m not frightened anymore. Well, fear’s natural sometimes, but I try not to be frightened. I’m just a completely different person to who I was when I was ill, and I’m probably a bit different to who I was before I became ill. I got to a point where I realised that only I could get myself better and felt enabled to make a start on that. I remembered a phrase that I’d read in a book while I was really ill in hospital, and it was like a veil had been lifted. Since then I’ve come off antidepressants on my own. I’ve been off them totally for about four and a half months, and I use other things now. The thing I’ve found that work for me do take quite a lot of time, and I always try to make that time in order to apply these things to myself. This includes using Zen crystals, aromatherapy, bowen therapy, Indian head massage, music and quantum physics, believe it or not! What’s also been really important to me is realising that I’ll never know if I’m totally recovered from my illness, that maybe I’m just recovering on a daily basis. I do believe that health is three fold, physical, mental, and spiritual; I try and be aware. The physical part’s easy for me, but it’s all linked. I know enough to be able to work on the mental part. The spiritual part, for me, is absolutely huge, and it takes a lot of work at the moment. My last diagnosis was something like ‘severe and enduring recurrent depression with psychotic episodes’. Well, it speaks for itself, doesn’t it? Severe, enduring, psychotic - words I detest. When I first went into hospital, obviously I’d never been in before, and I didn’t think at that time about anything really, except I realised at some point the next day, the next morning, that I felt safe, and I didn’t want to go anywhere else, I just wanted to be there; I kind of felt cocooned. Not that people understood me I don’t think, but I didn’t feel that I was in any sort of danger, because I’d been so terrified before that everything frightened me, absolutely everything. The fear was just totally overwhelming. I don’t know if it was positive. On reflection, I was admitted three times, and certainly at the beginning of each admission it was positive. But definitely the whole of my first admission it was positive, and I needed to feel that. But my last admission, I think I was probably aware that it wasn’t positive; my last admission was my shortest admission, it was six weeks. Definitely for the last three weeks that I there I wanted to get out. So the last three weeks of the last admission I wanted out, and I kept saying, “Don’t you think? Don’t you think? Don’t you think?” - and then eventually they needed the space, and couldn’t get me out quick enough! So the safe option had become restrictive, I really felt it wasn’t for me anymore. I knew that it wasn’t what I needed, it wasn’t helping me; I always say that I became aware that I could help myself, it was right in my face. The medication I was on lifted me enough so I actually became quite aware that I had to help myself, and that these people in the hospital couldn’t help me anymore. And maybe, I don’t know if I felt I could help myself, but I knew that I had to try. Hospitalisation wasn’t going to help me anymore; it was just going to contain me and could actually make me worse. I was really lucky when I got out of the hospital. I was seeing the doctor at the hospital once a week at first, and then I think once a fortnight. I was seeing a psychiatrist and basically that was it. I did feel that I was kind of just left to get on with it. Now when I look back, at the support that I got, I feel now that they didn’t expect me to get any better. They just thought, ‘he’s ill’ and there’s nothing here towards getting better. It seems as though the theory is ‘well, we’ll look after this person’, not actually help that person get better. But even the ‘looking after’ bit didn’t really happen with me. And that’s not just me, it’s the same for lots and lots of people. I got very little support, and I know people who get absolutely no support. I don’t know how they work it out, because I know that other people get, you could say, too much support. It seemed very unfair, and I don’t know how they work it all out. Unfortunately I just went along with that attitude and accepted it; I didn’t know any different, because at the time I wasn’t aware exactly what was happening. I couldn’t see me getting better; it was just a struggle to sort of live from day to day, minute to minute sometimes. There was no suggestion that I would get better, rather that I would just cope and that this is how things would be for me. That attitude was a major hindrance because it makes it too easy just to stay in that malaise. I didn’t realise it at the time, I thought it was just the way things were. I don’t know when I started to believe that I could get better, but I did. Through time I found support from the local association for Mental Health, who I’ve only just realised how good they are and how useful they’ve been for me. Just by being there, and by being non-judgemental. I have a key worker there who I meet every second month officially, but I can meet them more often if I really need to speak to someone. There are a few people including me and we’ve started a depression support group, which is being facilitated by the local association for Mental Health - at the moment it’s monthly. At first nobody came, but in the past three months there’s been an average of about seven or eight, so it’s working. There have been people there who have been through it with me, and there are a couple of people who I owe so much to for just staying with me, and helping me. They’re still there for me, and what’s been helpful for me is that I know that I’m there for them too; I can give back and contribute to those friendships. Like life, recovery is up and down. I’ve been conscious that I’ve been starting to truly get better rather than just cover up some symptoms. Every time I go down a bit I come straight back up; well obviously I’m down for a short period of time, work on it, and come straight back up. My advice to others in a similar situation would be to trust their instincts, and to be true to themselves, as true as possible. Go with your gut feelings about what’s working for you, because you’re probably right. Just believe that you can get better, just believe that for yourself. You have to believe it. I’m saying ‘you have to’ because, for me, I’ve had to believe that, even when I wasn’t aware of it I must have believed it. It’s not a cake walk, it’s really not, especially the route that I’ve taken; the only route I know is the one that I’ve taken, and it’s not been particularly easy, and it still isn’t. My goal is to be happy. That sounds really naff doesn’t it? I’m happy the way I am, but I’m hoping to be happy in other ways. I’m not saying happier, but I definitely want to work. I want to work in something where I feel I’m contributing to society and I’ve got a vague idea of where that might be, but it could change, you never know! This story was written based on this individuals interview for the SRNs narrative research project entitled, 'Recovering Mental Health in Scotland'. More information about the project can be found in the Narrative Research Project section of our website www.scottishrecovery.net. If you’d like to share your own experience of recovery please contact This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or 0141 240 7790 to discuss. Click here to go back to previous page |
Story Tags
activism community/socialising/inclusion coping strategies creativity depression employment (+) exercise female hospital male medication medication (-) peer support (informal) and befriending seeing things differently self knowledge/learning/growth self management sense of self support from family support from friends support from mental health professionals supportive spouse/partner taking control talking therapies voluntary mental health services volunteering Story disclaimer
The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure. See our Submit Your Thoughts pages for details on how to submit a story to us or you can contact us.
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