Psychotic and Proud | Stories from the narrative research project

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Psychotic and Proud

Published: November 2005

This story explores how the relationship with self, a spiritual relationship with God and a commitment to their spiritual journey aided in this individuals recovery.

One of the major things for me since my recovery started was feeling integrated and part of the wider community, society, or whatever you want to call it. I could even go so far as to say feeling part of humanity again, because part of my initial reaction to having a psychotic condition and psychotic episodes was to think that I was some kind of freak.

I had the first psychotic episode when I was only 15 and still at school. I couldn’t really relate to anyone around me and I didn’t actually get formally diagnosed until about 15 years later, so I went through quite a weird adolescence. When I did get a diagnosis of manic depression and paranoid schizophrenia I looked into psychiatry in a big way. Obviously, it’s a big school of knowledge, so I’m not saying all psychiatry is crap, but I do feel that it’s limited in terms of helping people to recover. But it did give me a possible identity, something I could relate to. I could meet other people that have also had this label put on them. I’ve been sectioned five times and found that the most help I got was from the other people in the ward who had gone through similar psychoses.

Recovery for me is a discovery of self, or an ongoing spiritual journey to find who you really are. I believe that essentially I am a spiritual being, and I feel that I’m still recovering because I still haven’t really found the level of realisation or identity I would like, but I’m getting there. So I still am recovering, but I feel that everybody is recovering because we are all spiritual beings, so we’re all technically on a journey of recovery, even ‘normal’ people. Because of this I think medication can be useful, but only in containing someone. I have not taken any psychiatric medication for at least ten years.

For many, many years I had no psychotic episodes, but just over two years ago I had a minor relapse and was sectioned. Within three days I had rationalised myself through it as part of my spiritual journey. Various people have said we actually create the way that we perceive reality so if I am in a very depressed, paranoid state my hallucinations will be fearful, threatening, hellish, and could lead to a psychotic episode. If I’m in a calm, collected, centred space, believe in God and that there is something greater than myself, and everything’s okay, even though I don’t understand what the hell’s going on at that moment, I can rationalise myself away from or out of psychosis. I feel confident that I won’t have another full-blown psychotic episode because I get plenty of warning when it’s going to happen. My sleep patterns goes out of sync two or three days prior to really going out and I pay attention to this now and stop it going any further. I don’t drink alcohol, I very rarely drink coffee and I don’t smoke, all of which helps me to stay well and keep my sleep patterns stable.

I think an important hurdle for someone like myself is employment and meaningful activity. I set up my own charity, and I go round to peoples’ homes who have had or who are coping with mental illness and I record their poetry, what they feel, what they think. I record their life stories. I give them a means to empower themselves, because if they are not being listened to I can make a film, and in a sense I can then help to facilitate their recovery. I’m basically a priest in plain clothing providing peer support and a voice to those who need it. I still get fatigue which is related to the depressed side of my illness, and sometimes I don’t have the energy to do anything, but because I’m self-employed, I work when I can and I have total freedom not to work when I can’t. For me that flexibility is very important because I don’t think that I could cope with a nine till five job. My therapeutic work is very important to my recovery because I can turn round and say, “No, I’m not a waster”. I do actually try and give back to the community in my own small way.

Through my charity we made a film about people who have psychotic episodes. The message of the film was that having psychotic episodes was not something to be ashamed of, in fact it’s a very rare phenomena. Part of my recovery has been about accepting and celebrating that this is part of me and helping other people to do the same through my work. I don’t lie about my psychotic experiences; I don’t believe in denial, because if you deny who you are, that’s harmful. People like me need to come out, we need to stand up and say, “Yes, I am psychotic and I’m proud.” My friends and I joke about making ‘psychotic and proud’ tee shirts, but that’s how I feel, and I don’t think I would be able to recover if I didn’t feel this way.

This story was written based on this individuals interview for the SRNs narrative research project entitled, 'Recovering Mental Health in Scotland'. More information about the project can be found in the Narrative Research Project section of our website www.scottishrecovery.net.

If you’d like to share your own experience of recovery please contact This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or 0141 240 7790 to discuss.

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Story disclaimer

The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure.

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