Normal Potential | Stories from the narrative research project

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Normal Potential

Published: February 2006

This story shows how employment, volunteering and education have impacted on recovery.

I grew up fairly normally and I did fairly well at school. I had good friends up to the age of eleven and then less, just because of personal things at home and my own perception that my home was different from others’ homes. After the age of eleven I had two close friends that went to a private school and I went to a public school, a comprehensive school, and lost contact with them. When I was to go to university at 18 it was very traumatic for me. I was very worried before I went, because I realised I didn’t have any friends and how was I going to make friends? I had forgotten how to make friends, I felt I had lost the lost the ability.

The whole summer before I went to University I was worrying about it and I went on long walks late at night thinking, how am I going to cope with this? I didn’t really have anyone I could go and talk to about my worries. I didn’t have a strong relationship with my parents. I went to Imperial College South Kensington and I didn’t mix in very well at all. I didn’t seem able to build relationships at all and it was like my worst fears had been realised. I stopped going in second year and I just didn’t know what my role in life was.

My mum wasn’t sure who to go to for help, so she got in contact with the family GP who had actually retired. He recommended going to see the current family practitioner. It was recommended at that time that I should go and see a psychiatrist. The GP arranged an appointment at a local day hospital, and I talked to the psychiatrist there. At the time I was stuttering and I didn’t even realise it myself! It’s not like I talked to people most of the time anyway because I was so anxious about things; I ended up a day patient there.

I talked to some of the nurses, sort of informal counselling sessions with them. They were helping me with social skills; simple stuff, just practising talking to people at the hospital because I wouldn’t talk to anyone at all. It was taking it one step at a time. It was helpful but it was very hard. It was like starting from scratch. I had lost all my confidence. As well as talking to people at the hospital we would try things like going into shops, because I had lost my confidence about going into small shops. I had also been given a social worker and she was supposed to be in contact with me when I had left the day hospital the first time. She’d been ill and she hadn’t been able to keep in contact. The second time I was in the day hospital she was a lot more helpful perhaps because she had been ill, and she was now a lot more empathetic.

Eventually I ended up in a halfway house in Oxford run by the Richmond Fellowship. Mostly it was for people who had been in-patients in hospital, but they had some people that had come from other backgrounds as well. There was a possibility of me staying there as you could stay for a year at this particular one. I didn’t really want to go there at all. I couldn’t really see how it was going to help, but they got me to write down a list of pros and cons of not going. Then my social worker took me out of this team meeting and said, “You have to decide for yourself whether you’re going or not,” so I eventually decided to go on my own. The Richmond Fellowship probably saved me in a way from going to pot. The counselling sessions they offered once a week for 50 minutes were the most helpful thing for me.

I had a counsellor who I found particularly helpful. Since ’91 I have been a Christian, I was brought up to go to church but I had drifted away when I was younger. It wasn’t like the Richmond Fellowship was a particular Christian organisation but the person doing the counselling was a Christian. I found that they had a lot more love than I had seen in anyone who had claimed to be a Christian before.

I find Christianity very helpful in keeping me together when I have difficulties. When I haven’t got somebody to turn to I have God. My personal disciplines, like reading my bible, praying, and writing a diary are very helpful.

I eventually moved on to do three different voluntary jobs. One was helping out in a youth club as an assistant, another was a drop in centre for mothers with young children, and finally a gardening group for older people who had gardens that were overgrown.

This all helped in overcoming anxieties, so that I actually got involved with things and interacted with people. It was all helping to build up my confidence. I sorted out some rented accommodation and started looking for paid part time work. I got a job on the community programme, as it was then, which is sort of the equivalent of the new deal that they have now. After six weeks in this job I had a new job as a technician in the chemistry teaching laboratories at Oxford University.

It was great. It had just come at the right time and it was a part time job. I felt like I was using something that I had done at school and I felt that was worthwhile.

I managed to get a job after a few interviews at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical medicine; I was a technician. Through this I got a H.N.C in applied Biology and it went very well. I got distinctions in all my subjects and I won the departmental prize.

It made me feel like I was back on track. I found I was really able to cope; I was holding down a full time job even though I was on day release. It was still full time when I finished the day release. I felt more confident than I had in a long time. I then applied for five universities and I got accepted to three, which was really good as a mature student applying for medicine.

Some time after I had mostly overcome my problems with anxiety in 1995, I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia the following year. I have been on and off medication, mostly on, for the last ten years.

My biggest obstacle has been the medication. I think medication should be only a short-term thing. There are things you have to work through on your own; whether it’s practical things like work, or emotional things that you have to deal with that turn up as a result of an illness. I think medication just treats the initial symptoms. All the medication I had been on, I find, makes me very sleepy, uncreative, slow and it’s very hard to concentrate. I’ve always been very aware of the side effects. Even though sometimes the medications helped a bit with the thoughts running over time. So coming off the medication was something I very much wanted to do, and I came off the medication for over a year and a half, in about October 2002. When I was coming off the medication I had quite regular appointments with my psychiatrist, which was very helpful to say, “Yes it is going ok.”

I had troubles accessing support, especially when trying to access social work help. I wasn’t able to do it, even though it had been recommended. Social work departments have been very reluctant to give me help because on the surface they haven’t been able to see I needed it. I come across as a well-presented person, so people didn’t realise that I need help. It makes me feel good that I am well groomed. But people haven’t been aware that perhaps I need more help, because they would judge me on my appearance. It took me a long while to get help.

I was unemployed for four years and trying to get back on my feet again was very difficult. Now I’ve held down a job for the last five and a half years! I wanted to overcome the anxiety I felt. I wanted to achieve something with my life and I still do. Planning ahead for the next 50 years, I want to have something to do that is going to keep me interested and occupied for the rest of my life. I think it would be personally rewarding to go out and help other people, whereas I feel some people just do it for the money.

I think recovery is being able to do the things that I was doing before, and also coming to terms with who I am now; I think it is difficult to come to terms with being ill.

I want to keep going even though it gets difficult. I think I can work through this if I can keep my stress levels down. I think having control over your life and having the freedom to make choices is very important, but also having the support from people around you. While coming off my medication I always felt like that I was capable of doing more than I was, but I wanted to make sure I maintained my health. I like the feeling that I am actually contributing to society even though it’s just working, paying my taxes, supporting myself and being able to relate to people who are out of my normal circle.

I don’t want to die feeling that I’ve wasted my life, feeling I haven’t achieved everything I could. I feel like I have a lot of untapped potential and, if I can stay well, I can make something of my life.

This story was written based on this individuals interview for the SRNs narrative research project entitled, 'Recovering Mental Health in Scotland'. More information about the project can be found in the Narrative Research Project section of our website www.scottishrecovery.net.

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Story disclaimer

The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure.

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