Mind like a Speeding Train | Stories from the narrative research project

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Mind like a Speeding Train

Published: May 2009

This story highlights how support from friends and professionals, such as a counsellor, can aid in recovery. It also illustrates how being able to support others can benefit recovery.

Recovery for me feels like rolling a big ball up a hill! It’s challenging but once you reach the top it’s worth it. I think I’ve gained more in self-confidence and come back to where I was before. I used to be quite a sociable person, and then I became very introverted and very quiet, and I felt as if I was disappearing. Before, I could go anywhere and relate to most people; without sounding big headed, I thought I was quite a witty person as well, and I used to be able to flannel a bit and get by. But then suddenly, it all just stopped. It all became just too much and I couldn’t handle being around people. At work I’d do things like e-mail people that worked in the office next to me instead of going to speak to them! And it made my friendships narrower, you know, the close friendships that I had became a very sort of narrow band of people.

I’ve been going to counselling, which started out awful. Yes it was awful! I went to two counsellors, who were really terrible; one I spoke to for an hour and a half about hoovers! I told you I was a waffler! But I am seeing someone at the moment, she’s a counsellor, and she is absolutely fabulous. She just doesn’t just listen while I waffle, you know, she points me in the right direction and I think we’ve made good progress really. For the first time in my life, I’ve actually talked to somebody about how I feel, and not just been like, “Oh put it in a box. That’s it. Put it away, and let’s move on.” I actually feel that it’s been a very valuable thing being in counselling, but I was at the point of giving up on counselling completely because I had two really dreadful experiences.

I now feel that I am turning into more like me, you know, the way I was. Facing up to what my problems are. I’ve been depressed probably all my life without realising it in a lot ways. Because of the incidents that have happened in my life, it’s been a journey, and it’s nice to come out the other side. My counsellor is encouraging me to see the nicer side of things and just try and move on and not hide from everything. Because I always, even though I was quite a sociable person before, was sort of putting this wee social front on, this wee sort of diplomatic face, and obviously it was affecting my physical and mental health.

I feel less sort of ashamed now. When I was growing up both my Mother and my grandmother had depression. I do remember my Mother going down to the doctors and seeing the doctor and he said, “Well I’m going to send you to a psychiatrist” and she came back and she said to my Dad, and he burst out laughing, and my brother burst out laughing, and I remember standing in the corner crying, thinking it was really upsetting, and I was only about five! And then I thought well, everybody laughs at you because there’s something wrong with you so you just don’t admit to it. My mum never went and got any kind of help.

I’ve gone back to work. It was actually quite pleasant going back, it was like a honeymoon period, you know, “Great! Routine!” Unfortunately my work wasn’t very supportive when I was ill. I had to phone in every week and of course my boss wouldn’t be there and the other people there wouldn’t help, it was very frustrating. I had to go for the medicals through my workplace, which were awful. Then this kind of attitude of phoning every single week, obviously not understanding people, and I felt my work was saying, “We think you’re at it.” I only went back for financial reasons, we had put away some rainy day money which was basically disappearing quickly. Financially it was very, very hard. Even just going someplace, like going down to the doctor’s, I’d take a taxi regardless if I didn’t have any money! I’d just had to get a taxi down there, because I just couldn’t face people on the buses.

I would say medication has been a large part of my recovery. I am taking a lot of medications; I’m on a form of Prozac, for the depression, and I’m on lots of other medications for my physical health as well. I’m hoping that in a few months time to try and bring it down, and then eventually wheedle out of it by the end of the year because you can’t stay on medication forever.

I’ve been really lucky with the support I’ve received from my friends, my GP and my counsellor. My GP kind of pushed me along a bit to get better, and my counsellor helped build my confidence and overcome my fear of speaking to people. Also I have really great friends. All I can say is that now I don’t spend any time with people that I don’t want to now. I’ll go, “Hello, how are you?” and off. But with my true friends, we can meet for lunch and still be talking absolute nonsense to about ten o’clock at night! But it’s great fun. We went through a lot together. We get on really well and we can say anything to each other, absolutely anything, which is quite unusual I think for most friendships. My friends pushed and supported me, practically all the time it was just like, “Come down to the house” or whatever. We’d just be around each other a lot of the time, which was nice. Whether it’s things like playing dominoes, playing on the computer, or doing things like that keeps you sort of semi-focussed. We could talk about other things at the same time that made it sort of lighter and it wasn’t so serious as such.

My partner’s not been well either; he’s had a nervous breakdown. It actually makes it a wee bit harder sometimes. Some days I didn’t find it at all helpful when he was on a major downer and he was really low and really flat and it sort of brought me down as well. But I also think it helped me in some ways too, walking him along to the psychiatrist and offering him a bit of support. I would have liked to have gone to see a psychiatrist, but the GP was not at all for it. The offer was not there because it’s expensive; it’s expensive to the surgery, and whatnot, which I found quite objectionable. A lot of it was financially driven. I also would have liked more accessible counselling because I had to wait for a wee while to get the counselling, and before that I paid to see counsellors and I paid to see a hypnotherapist.

Some days are worse than others, you just muddle through, and then some days, you’re just fine, and it’s as if you think, “Well this is great! I’m going to be absolutely fine” and the next day you’re flat again. It’s not a fast journey and I think sometimes you can sort of motor along the road and do not bad. It’s not like I’m waiting for somebody to stick a custard pie in my face or anything, you know? But I think I’m doing ok. When I do have a bad day maybe I’ll go out, if I feel well enough, and I say to myself, “If I get up and I get washed and I get dressed, I could maybe go across the way, you know and get a sandwich at the bruchetta”, and then I won’t have to make anything. Or I promise myself that if I can get through today I’ll go over and get myself something from the shop, or a glass of wine, or something like that, anything, you know, to try and sort of reward myself.

For so long I was not living for the moment, and it was just kind of like, “Oh, I’m worrying about what’s going to happen next and this bill’s coming in” and I wasn’t enjoying life. I wasn’t enjoying any of the actual minutes that you’re doing things, and it was just as if they were flying past. I always felt like my mind was like a train, it was always running too fast, and I was speeding on to the next task, next task, next task, and I was just rushing on ahead and looking for the next problem rather than dealing with there and now.

My advice to others in a similar situation would be to slow down. Don’t try and keep up with anybody. It’s a wee journey and it doesn’t happen overnight. I know it sounds like clichés and things – “Oh, life’s a journey” – but it’s true, the only person that’s going to get you out of that spiral is yourself. So, take your time, and get what you want. I know sometimes you don’t feel like fighting for things, the things you think you need, but sometimes you’ve just go to grit your teeth and fight. Most people are kind, it’s just that the people that you remember the most are the people that are a wee bit awkward but they’re very few and far between. You shouldn’t let some bad experiences put you off, because people are genuinely very good and they want to help you.

For my future? My intention probably is to leave the job I’m in and move on to something a bit more hands on, more in the caring services I think. I’m basically working in caring services and I don’t consider that there’s any value in the post I’m in unless I can dramatically change it, I’ve been trying hard but it’s not really been working. I’ve got some ideas of what I would like to do; I’d like to go back to working in the hospital. I’d maybe think about working with the elderly in hospital bases because nobody’s ever interested in elderly people. It’s all kids and you know, adolescents and things, and, you know, I don’t think anyone pays any attention to the oldies. For that though I think I’d need to re-skill myself, I’d still need to get a wee bit more confident, re-skill myself because obviously, since I can’t see so well, my confidence has taken a knock. I need to get back into the way of some IT skills and learning stuff – I mean it’s not hard stuff particularly, but it just requires a bit of time. I can sign as well, I can sign for the deaf, and I can deaf blind manual sign as well. So to a certain degree I would be quite interested in working with elderly people and people with multiple disabilities. But there are different things to that I stopped doing, I was learning a language, and I stopped doing that, so I’d like to go back to that too.

I think my main achievement is partly supporting my partner, and supporting my family as well. But for me, I’m beginning to feel a lot better in myself, not so closed off, or of frightened of everybody, and it’s kind of like, “Oh well, I’m not well, I’ve got depression!” I just try to make the best of it and get on with life.

This story was written based on this individuals interview for the SRNs narrative research project entitled, 'Recovering Mental Health in Scotland'. More information about the project can be found in the Narrative Research Project section of our website www.scottishrecovery.net.

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Story disclaimer

The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure.

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