Keep Fighting | Stories from the narrative research project

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Keep Fighting

Published: September 2005

This story highlights how a variety of services and treatments, such as hospital, medication, medical professionals, and housing support can be important in recovery.

I’m on more medication now, I think that helps a lot, ken. But that only does so much for me, I have to do more work myself. I still get paranoid and that, but I fight it. It’s not real. It seems real, but there’s not an explanation for it. It’s all in the mind; I know that now. I used to believe in telepathy and psychic powers and that, but I don’t believe in that now. The first night I got it, my sister knew I was a paranoid schizophrenic because I was talking to the TV and I was getting messages and that, and she phoned the doctor and got us help and I ended up at the hospital that night. But I liked it in the hospital, they’re nice people. It was like a holiday camp, like Butlins or something, everybody happy and that.

I’ve had psychologists and different psychiatrists and they tell us about it, and they say it’s an illness - but before I thought everything was real, with the devil and stuff like that, but it’s all in my mind. I tell myself, ‘It’s just your mind playing tricks.’ I get a bit anxious and that now and again too, and a bit stressed out and that’s the symptoms that bring it on, so I try and not get stressed and that helps a lot. I do deep breathing and I hold my breath and breathe out through my nose, it calms me down a bit. Also taking more medication and that helps a lot, because if I didn’t have the medication I’d be off my head all the time.

My family have been really supportive, they live nearby and I go up and see them almost everyday. I’m living in a homeless unit at the minute and there’s about twelve or fourteen of us that share a bathroom, a living room and a kitchen and that, but we’ve got our own bedrooms; I like it in there. I had a flat for a year but I couldn’t handle it, kept going off my head. It’s better now that there’s somebody on call twenty four hours a day looking after you; it’s good there. There are people in the same boat as me who have got the same illness. They still hear voices and see stuff some of them, but I’m lucky in that the medication helps me. I also play football every Tuesday for the unit, which I really enjoy a lot.

I go to the Day Centre that’s for people with mental health problems, and I get my medication there and a wee game of pool. I used to have a CPN too, which was good. My psychiatrist thinks I’m getting better so she stopped my psychologist and my CPN. My CPN was brilliant, he talked about anxiety and asked us what the voices said; he was good that way. He used to talk back to them and that - I learned that from him. I dinnae hear voices anymore, not had them for about three years, but when I did I used to talk back. I used to say, ‘It’s not real, I’m just hallucinating’ and they’d say, ‘Aye it is real’ and swearing at us and that, telling us to kill people, telling us to harm myself and that, bad things. I dinnae like voices, it’s too scary. It’s always bad things they’re saying, never good things. The CPN taught me the breathing too and that, in through the mouth and out through the nose.

I sometimes still freak out, I cannae handle it, it’s too much pressure on the brain I think and I’ll start crying and that. But I’ll phone the doctor and get Valium to chill us out. I just try to do my breathing and talk to the voices, and if it gets really bad I go to the doctors or go back in hospital. I’m doing pretty well on the depot and the Olanzapine mixed together. It’s a good mood stabiliser the Olanzapine. The depot is for the voices and the visions. Sleep helps too. I like a sleep. If I’m really paranoid and that, I have a sleep sometimes, close my eyes and that and lie down on the settee or the bed or that, from time to time. It only lasts about half an hour or something, but it used to last all night, twenty-four hours and that, the paranoia. But now it doesn’t last that long, so I keep fighting all the time.

Aye, I’m a lot better because the voices stopped and that. I’m a lot more confident and that. You’re able to just do the things, the same things every day like normal people would do. I used to stay in all the time and maybe go out for five minutes and come back crying and hallucinating; that was before, when the medication wasn’t working. They’ve tried us on about four different medications, and I think they’ve got the right one now, but there’ll never be a cure. That’s what p’s us off too, because I asked my psychiatrist the other week, I says, “Doctor, will I ever get a cure?” and he says, “There’s nae chance because we cannae get in the brain.” That’s what annoys us too getting the symptoms still, like the paranoia and that, that’s the only symptom I get now.

Now, I do voluntary work on Monday. It’s delivering fruit and vegetables to homeless people. We go and pick up a load from the co-op factory, come back and deliver it. I done that on a Monday and a Thursday but it was too much, it was two days a week so I cut it back to just a Monday. I would say I’m about eighty percent better. I get paranoid about once a week, once a fortnight, but before it used to be every day, hallucinating every day, bad hallucinations, but they’ve got the right medication now. I’m more happy, I used to get violent thoughts before, where I’d kill people and that but it wasn’t me, that was my mind playing tricks. I know I’m not a bad person, but the illness is a bad person, split mind, split personality and that.

My advice for others in the same situation is to keep fighting it; it’s not real. It’s in your head. I’ve talked to people in the hospital and that and they said, “You’re going to kill me’” and I said, “Nobody’s going to touch you, you’re just not well.” It’s an illness just keep fighting it. Try to be to be strong headed and strong minded that way, and just keep fighting it.

In a perfect world I’d like to see a cure for schizophrenia. I would like to do that, so nobody suffers from it. I think it’s one of the worst illnesses you could get apart from cancer or something. For me the biggest help has been medication. If I dinnae have medication I dinnae ken where I would be. I’d still be in hospital, or maybe, sadly enough, have ended up dead.

This story was written based on this individuals interview for the SRNs narrative research project entitled, 'Recovering Mental Health in Scotland'. More information about the project can be found in the Narrative Research Project section of our website www.scottishrecovery.net.

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Story disclaimer

The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure.

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