It's Never too Late | Stories from the narrative research project

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It's Never too Late

Published: December 2005

This story shows how self-help, self-determination and commitment to self and recovery can aid in recovery.

The biggest change for me has been awareness, actually having an awareness of where I am as a person, in my family, in life, and in my health as well. I think perhaps because of the nature of my illness I didn’t have that awareness before. I was completely blanked out. I couldn’t move forward and I couldn’t recover since I wasn’t actually aware of what was going on or how I felt. Gaining that awareness has enabled me to make choices and to take responsibility.

Before that I think I was really just buying time, although I didn’t really know it, I wasn’t moving forward. If anything, I was moving back. My experience with services wasn’t something that actually created independence in my life. So often, hospitalisation and dependency actually add to the issues rather than solve them. There comes a time when you don’t know, especially if you have a long illness, if where you’re at is because of the original problems or because they have all been compounded by the problems created by being hospitalised or institutionalised. The thing that prevented my recovery was that I didn’t know anything else. I had a mental illness and there’s some safety in being ill; even though I hated every minute of it, there was still some security in that. I think that if you don’t actually have that awareness about where you’re at and what you’re trying to achieve, you then don’t have the power or the control to actually make changes in your life, and sometimes other people can take that power from you.

Initially I did feel very disempowered, that I had no control over my life, that I wasn’t able to control how my body reacted or how I reacted, so I fell into things rather than actually making choices. If you’re not actually actively making choices, you’re not taking responsibility, and you walk into the victim’s role. I felt many professional people were quite happy for me to be in that role, because in some ways it’s easier for them to cope with me like that. In some ways it’s much easier just to group people together and say, “Right, you have this illness, and we’ll treat you in this way with this medication.” The problem with that is human beings are individuals with very different feelings, emotions and expectations.

Communication with key professionals has been important to my recovery. It’s essential that they don’t say one thing and then write down something else.Unfortunately that does happen and it can create difficulty. Now I make sure the key people that are in my life in a professional way are all honest with me. Knowing that they’re aware of where I’m at gives me confidence that if I were to get into real difficulty, people would know it. Just having that confidence sometimes helps keep me at a good level. The consultant I’m working with is really aware of what’s actually working and what’s not working and is tinkering with it rather than constantly adding more medicine. So that’s been a huge help in my recovery.

You can’t have awareness if you’re drugged up and I think that for many years when I was drugged up, I just didn’t know what was happening. Maybe if I hadn’t been on so much medication I would have known what was going on. It helps that my current consultant has been prepared to take chances. She’s prepared to trust me and I’m beginning to trust her, so we have a partnership and that helps to build respect between us.

There’s also something about having other things in my life away from mental health issues, away from support workers and hospitals and actually finding a different channel to outlet my energy. I’m looking into self-employment and thinking of perhaps making hand made cards and things like that. I get a lot out of creating and actually being able to give to people something that I’ve spent time on. It’s something that I can do when I’m well and when I’m not well I can leave it and then pick it up when I feel better. So it’s something that I can work at within the limitations of where I’m at in recovery. I think that the hardest thing about having mental illness is feeling that you’re constantly taking, that people are always giving to you and supporting you, whereas partly for me recovery has been looking at ways that I can actually give back to the people that I care about and to the people that I want to help. To actually give back rather than to constantly take gives me self-respect, much more than a pill will ever do.

About 18 months ago I started doing some Open University work, which gave me another focus initially. I was very aware of being able to do the two introductory courses, just to see, because I haven’t actually studied for a while, how I would manage. I got enjoyment out of the courses; it was really good to have something different to focus on. Now I’m on to the first year of the Health and Social Care course with Open University. I get immense satisfaction out of being able to meet deadlines for assessments and things like that, and knowing that even with the limitations that I have, that I can meet these targets.

The most important thing in my recovery is that I’m alive! If I’m not alive, I can’t do anything. I think that maybe sounds a bit corny to some people but it’s actually very much a reality in my life. Recovery for me has meant that I can actually choose where I want to live to a certain extent, what I want to do, and how I want to live. Also, having the knowledge and actually knowing the systems a wee bit has given me power, and I think that’s important because it has put me in a position to make decisions and choices. I now realise that I have to respect myself; I am a valuable human being who has had problems, but I can give something back.

I recognise that recovery is ongoing; it’s not something that comes to an end, and it’s ongoing for me certainly. I have to accept that I have mental health problems and get on with it. If I can’t accept that then how can anyone else? Some times are more difficult than others. At times I can see it as being a symbol of just exactly how bad things were, which is OK I suppose, but at other times I don’t want to remember, I just want to get on with life but I know I can’t just leave it behind. What it comes down to is accepting my circumstances and accepting myself as I am. I’ve been lucky too that I’ve met people who I regard as being true people, they have a heart and are genuine, and they are people who respect me for who I am, not because I’m service user, or I’m a mentally ill patient, they actually respect and accept me for being me, warts and all!

I hope that the people I meet go away and think about their own lives. I’ve tried to show people that, just because you’ve been in the system for a good number of years doesn’t mean that you can’t break free. I want people to know that there is actually something out with mental illness that can be worthwhile for yourself and for society. I want people to know it’s never too late.

This story was written based on this individuals interview for the SRNs narrative research project entitled, 'Recovering Mental Health in Scotland'. More information about the project can be found in the Narrative Research Project section of our website www.scottishrecovery.net.

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Story disclaimer

The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure.

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