I'm not Mentally Ill, I'm in the Process of Evolving! | Stories from the narrative research project

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I'm not Mentally Ill, I'm in the Process of Evolving!

Published: November 2005

This story explores how their relationship with their son, their spiritual relationship with God, and a commitment to their spiritual journey has impacted this individual’s recovery.

I prefer being who I am now, it’s quite strange really; I don’t see my experience as a mental illness, I see it as spiritual awakening. It was four years ago that I had my episode of psychosis. I then got the diagnosis of hyper mania and it was a very exciting time and I felt it was very positive. When I went to the services it was seen as quite negative, and it was regarded as being an illness. That freaked me out, so I stayed away from the services. I felt it was a spiritual journey I was on, so I started reading a lot of spiritual books; this was four years ago now and I would say that, looking back, I was more ill for that first part of my life than I am now. I’m much more sensitive and aware now. I’m aware of my own emotions but I’m also aware of other people’s and I have a lot more empathy now.

I think the most important thing for me was that I was always in total control. That was the reason why I never told people a lot of what was going on in my head, because I knew that they would want to take that control off me, they wouldn’t trust me perhaps. Trusting myself was important and because I trusted myself and was in control I could take a lot of risks that I felt were necessary on my spiritual journey. There was a time in the beginning of my psychosis when my partner and my friend wanted me to go to the doctor and I got really upset and the more upset I got the more they were threatening to call the services. I thought, if they come and I’m like this then they’re going to end up putting me in hospital and they’ll stick medication in me. I didn’t want to take any medication because I felt the medication and the hospital would block my spiritual process; I felt I was on a spiritual journey and that I had to see it through. I knew they would block my journey and I knew if they blocked it, it would just keep coming back. I eventually did see a psychiatrist, I asked to be referred to a specific one because I’d dealt with him before in other circumstances and I hoped that he would accept that I was on a spiritual journey and not mentally ill. He has been fantastic and very supportive of my beliefs. I do feel that he maybe could help me more if the model of mental health wasn’t the way it is, because he doesn’t encourage me but he doesn’t discourage me.

Recovery for me feels excellent. I think I’ve grown up; I don’t think I thought I was an adult before. I feel I’ve reached a spiritual maturity, gained personal responsibility and independence, and an understanding of other people. I look after myself a lot better now, I regularly exercise, I eat better and my relationships with people close to me are much better. It has been really difficult, and there were times most definitely that if it hadn’t been for my son, I think I would have topped myself. Not just because I found the world so horrible, but because I just longed for the understanding, comfort, love, and security of the spiritual realm. I’m glad it happened because now I feel more like a whole person and I’m a lot happier. Throughout my journey I had a strong belief in myself and a belief in the fact that what I was experiencing was a spiritual emergency and not a mental illness. I believed it was positive and everything would work out.

I think recovery should be enjoyable. I wish I could have enjoyed it, I wish I could have been with people who weren’t frightened of it. It is challenging, but with the right support, guidance and help, you should be able to get through it. I think attention, help, and financial benefit shouldn’t be dependent on being ill, I think that is really important. At the end of the day, as adults we still have a child within us - we all want attention and we are all resourceful, if we don’t get attention or benefits for being good then we will be bad and manipulative, whatever it takes to get what we need, including remaining ill.

This story was written based on this individuals interview for the SRNs narrative research project entitled, 'Recovering Mental Health in Scotland'. More information about the project can be found in the Narrative Research Project section of our website www.scottishrecovery.net.

If you’d like to share your own experience of recovery please contact This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or 0141 240 7790 to discuss.

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Story disclaimer

The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure.

See our Submit Your Thoughts pages for details on how to submit a story to us or you can contact us.