Floundering Flunks and Floating Triumphs | Stories from the narrative research project

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Floundering Flunks and Floating Triumphs

Published: February 2006

This story shows how education and employment have been important to recovery.

I had been in a very evangelical church, and I had a very unhelpful GP who said that I had actually had a panic attack in an interview. That was it; I was taken away in an ambulance for a brain scan. I was told to just to stay at home and not do any housework, and I ended up lying on the couch reading a book for 3 weeks - it was a backward step for nothing.

I was told by the employment rehabilitation centre, which was then in operation, that I would never at any time take responsibility in a workplace setting. They told me, “You have a psychoneurotic personality condition of stress, and responsibility could cause deterioration. Therefore you should be considered for sheltered employment only”; apparently I wasn’t supposed to be told all this. When I was in school people thought I wasn’t very intelligent, but as my adulthood has progressed I’ve proved them wrong. I feel that if my dyspraxia had been diagnosed at school things may have been very different.

When I was in hospital, I was told I would never live an independent life. I was told by the GP that I would never work again, and that I should stay put and do voluntary work and go to drop in centres. But I decided to do something positive to further my future and was accepted to do my HNC at a college about 100 miles from where I was living. So I went.

My recovery journey has taught me more about myself as a person. I was diagnosed dyspraxic at the age of 48. I have had cognitive development counselling, and with my counsellor I have worked on how to recognise the early stages of panic attacks, like when I start to get agitated. I have also learnt that I have a lot of determination, which has got me through a mental health problem and to where I am today.

At one point, I decided to go along to drama workshops where we did role play and trust games; things like go around the hall and get everyone to follow you and doing silly things to music. I began to sort of relax and have more confidence in going to places and being assertive. I learnt that I was an altruistic person; I like to give a lot. I applied for a job working with homeless individuals and I got the job because the boss saw that I had potential. I was there for 12 years and I very much enjoyed my job. Sadly I had to leave because I became too ill again.

I originally had psychodynamic therapy, that’s regression therapy, for about 7 years and got nowhere with it. I told a friend of mine that I wasn’t satisfied with my counsellor and that it wasn’t going anywhere, so I went to see her counsellor. I was referred to a female because I wanted to talk about matters to do with sex, and I felt more comfortable with a woman; she turned out to be a cognitive counsellor. I actually didn’t find that out until I had done two counselling certificate modules myself and was doing psychology at college.

We worked through situations and every time we worked through a situation I’d had trouble with, I felt that something had been rolled back to enable me to see inside the situation; I learnt quite a bit from that.

I’m trying to start on a programme of regular meditation, because I know that studies show that meditation can change the brain structure and help panic attacks. I’ve been doing meditation exercises every day for the past month but you have to do it for 6 months for it to have any effect.

I’m also studying with the Open University. I’ve realised more of my academic ability and I have the capacity for independent thinking, which was another thing I was told I would never do. I did my HNC in social science despite being told by the medical people that I would never work again and now I’ve almost completed my HND.

When I passed my HNC I graduated in my gown, and I felt as though I had really recovered. I never singled out a moment of my life but I did feel particularly proud of myself that day. I was proud and pleased and happy and triumphant. I felt like giving the GP an elbow nudge and saying, “Never work again, hey?”

It’s been about 18 months since I last had a panic attack and I have a part time job and a great house. If I find myself getting at all agitated I take Diazepam, or I’ll maybe talk it over with a friend or maybe use attention switching. I like going out in the evening, I have never been at the stage where I have to stay in the house. My goal is to stop having the panic attacks by using regular meditation. My main aim academically is to get my Open University diploma and do the degree. Work wise, as a telephone canvasser, I am happy in a job that suits my high verbal skills, which I was found to have in the tests for dyspraxia. For the rest of my working life, my aim is to be able to use these skills to the full.

This story was written based on this individuals interview for the SRNs narrative research project entitled, 'Recovering Mental Health in Scotland'. More information about the project can be found in the Narrative Research Project section of our website www.scottishrecovery.net.

If you’d like to share your own experience of recovery please contact This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or 0141 240 7790 to discuss.

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Story disclaimer

The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure.

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