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Stories Narrative research project stories Emerging from the Darkness, Back to Me
Stories Narrative research project stories Emerging from the Darkness, Back to Me
Emerging from the Darkness, Back to Me |
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dealing with past experiences | depression | employment (+) | employment (-) | impact of events from childhood/adolescence | male | medication | medication (-) | peer support (informal) and befriending | professional | seeing things differently | self knowledge/learning/growth | sense of self | statutory mental health services (+) | statutory mental health services (-) | support from family | taking control
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Published: November 2005 This story explores how support from family and peers can aid in recovery. Whenever you are suffering from depression your whole mind is imploded because you are constantly trying to understand why you are in that situation. I was trapped in depression for eight years of my life, and all the way through my only wish was to be me again. I knew when I was me, I just didn’t know when it was gonna happen and then suddenly it happened. I am telling you my story and it is mostly about the past. Before, the past was always there and I couldn’t escape from it. I didn’t have the ability to confront it but now I can talk about it. The fact that I could have become prone to depression because of several things kept under the surface for a long time, was first pointed out when I started to see a new psychiatrist about two years ago. My father died when I was very young, I was diagnosed with epilepsy as a child, for which I was given barbiturates, and then I left school when I was 15. Although I was very successful in my job, everything happened about 10 years late for me. My confidence was never really that high, but the passion for my job got me into university and I eventually became a lecturer. Bad things and good things have happened over the years. Just before I became ill I was working at university and I was enjoying it. I had returned to Scotland and fallen in love with it. My second wife and I had started a family. I loved teaching and was designing a new course in building surveying; it was then the department went against me. It wasn’t long after that that I was diagnosed with depression. I would say one thing that I have learned is to be more protective of myself now. I would like to think I would never let myself get into this kind of situation again; back then I was dealing with stress that I could not imagine before, and it pushed me over the edge. I was given medication and I was determined that I wasn’t going to succumb to the situation. So I took my tablets for a period of time and I went back to work and carried on. I wanted to leave; I went for a couple of jobs but I wasn’t successful and it was just affecting me more and so I went back to teaching. Things hadn’t changed however, and one day I left a meeting almost in a daze. I went to the doctor the following day and she said had it not been for the fact that she knew that my wife was at home, she would have sectioned me because I was in such a state. That then was the start of my depression, I tried to fight it and I found at this stage that I couldn’t. My wife and our two sons were such a big support during this dark period. I couldn’t have imagined, having gone through a marriage that didn’t work, that I would be in a marriage that is so warm and caring. At the beginning I was just at home, but I knew that I couldn’t go through my life doing nothing. I started going to a psychiatric day centre and I went on courses such as ‘coping with depression’ and ‘anxiety management’ but the only thing I found that was good about it was the other people. I found kindred spirits who were in a similar situation to me and we could talk and understand. I found the most important part of the course was the break. I went to one of the ‘coping with depression’ sessions and the psychiatric nurse who was teaching it said, “I couldn’t care less what other people think of me”, and I said, “How can you say that? Everything we do in life has an effect on other people, and we can’t go through life being like that.” I lost faith in the meeting because of that. My CPN was saying to me, “You are seeing everything in black and white, you need to start seeing things differently, read this book, this book will help you”, and at that time I didn’t need that. I needed more understanding. It was like he was saying I shouldn’t be like that and the reason I was like that was because of the way I was thinking. Over a period of years I was on about four different tablets. I would see psychiatric nurses at the day centre, and occasionally I would see the psychiatrist. I think that the health professionals that I saw went through the motions with me. It was, “How are you? How is the medication working?” talk, talk, talk, and that was it. It was like the medication was my lifeline. I was retired from teaching on the grounds of ill health and after a year away I had lost all my confidence. But then my next-door neighbour asked me if I would do a job for her, more requests from other people followed and I eventually went back to my trade. What I was trying to do was get to the stage where I could actually cope; I thought that that was my best hope for the future. I couldn’t go back and this was my way of going forward but I still was going through terrible turmoil. At one point I was working on a roof and I was calculating how long it would take me to fall down to the ground. If I jumped would the fall be enough to kill me? That was how low I was feeling but it wasn’t me. I am grateful for being allowed to emerge from it because I had gotten to the stage where I was past fifty and I thought that I was becoming unemployable. I wasn’t enjoying what I was doing because I was finding it difficult to cope with people and I felt people were taking advantage of me. It was only my family that kept me going. After many years I got an appointment with the head of psychiatry at our regional hospital. He tried different medication and I finally found one that worked. Only a short time after, I made the decision that I wanted to confront the ghosts of my past. I wanted to go back to surveying. My first job was working with the council doing some surveys, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I am now working with a construction company who promoted me after a few months and I have regained some of the confidence that I had lost. I have people at work who seem to be more confident than me, and I am above them, but at the end of the day I am coping and that’s my main concern. It’s been a long journey, a journey that’s been full of dark clouds but they have lifted. I almost feel at the moment I am trying to make up for lost time, and that might be a situation where I could expose myself to too much. If I was going for treatment now, I would want something that is more about meeting other people who are suffering from mental health problems. I always regret not having done more of that. I think it’s important to spend some time with other people first and understand what depression actually is. My advice is, don’t persevere with medication longer than the time it should take for it to work. I went through long periods in those eight years where I was trying to get something to work that couldn’t work for me. Everybody is different and everybody’s requirements are different. Emerging from eight years of darkness has been so good. I feel like I am back to me. This story was written based on this individuals interview for the SRNs narrative research project entitled, 'Recovering Mental Health in Scotland'. More information about the project can be found in the Narrative Research Project section of our website www.scottishrecovery.net. If you’d like to share your own experience of recovery please contact This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or 0141 240 7790 to discuss. Click here to go back to previous page |
Story Tags
activism community/socialising/inclusion coping strategies creativity depression employment (+) exercise female hospital male medication medication (-) peer support (informal) and befriending seeing things differently self knowledge/learning/growth self management sense of self support from family support from friends support from mental health professionals supportive spouse/partner taking control talking therapies voluntary mental health services volunteering Story disclaimer
The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure. See our Submit Your Thoughts pages for details on how to submit a story to us or you can contact us.
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