Crystals, Angels and Grandchildren | Stories from the narrative research project

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Crystals, Angels and Grandchildren

Published: February 2006

This story highlights how education can be an important factor in recovery.

With my recovery my locus of control has become more internalised, whereas before I used to blame other people. I felt that outside things were happening to me, but now I tend to take more control of things myself. I’ve taken control and I try not to blame myself for things that have happened. I try to think, well it would have happened anyway. It’s not easy but I try to say that to myself. I lost my daughter six years back and we fell out the last time I saw her, so I always felt that sort of hanging over me. I’ve sort of come to terms with it, I don’t dwell on it now. I used to talk to people at Uni about it, and they’d say, “Oh don’t be silly, that would’ve happened anyway.” I brought it up in my counselling classes and they’d say, “You’ve got to come to grips with that.” My daughter visits me sometimes. I don’t know if others believe in that, but I do. Not long after I lost her I went to this crystal shop and I picked up an agate, it wasn’t until I got it home and I lifted it up and saw that it actually had a picture of her silhouette. It was so powerful. Unfortunately that particular crystal broke, but I’ve got more crystals and I wear these ones all the time. Blue helps you to communicate, the green is for balance, and jade is supposed to be good for your spine. So my crystals, and my angels, and my grandchildren have helped a lot in my recovery.

My angel. Every time I thought I couldn’t do it I used to feel a touch or I’d see a vision and I’d feel comforted. There was one night I had a dream with my daughter and it was very strange. I used to go to the Angels Café and the lassie there is a bit psychic. I told her about the dream and she said, “That’s your daughter telling you to move on.” Going to the cafe helped. I also went to an Angel’s workshop, which helped a lot too. I used to go to the cemetery sometimes, and I would ask my daughter for help. And there was one time when I was really really hard up, and I was asking her for help, and a couple of days later I got a five hundred pound cheque off my dad. I just sort of think there’s somebody out there kind of rooting for me. I haven’t forgotten my daughter; I’ll never forget her. Sometimes I do get fed up; one day my granddaughter overheard me saying, “Och I’m sick of life!” because I was mad at my husband. My granddaughter wrote me a letter saying, “Dearest my Nana, I’m so sorry you’re sick of life and I’ll try to find a way to cheer you up.” It warmed my heart, but I’ve got to watch what I’m saying because the girls are so vulnerable.

Having my grandchildren has helped. When my daughter died we took them in and I had get control of myself, I had to sort of say, “Well, you can’t be like this because you’ve got the girls to look after.” I just accept that my depression is something that has happened, and I just have to live with it.

Getting my degree has been my biggest accomplishment, because I never thought I would do it. I never thought I’d go to Uni, but I think the fact that I lost my daughter has made me feel like well, what the worst that can happen? I just thought, I can only try and if I don’t get it I don’t get it. I’d left my work through depression, I was signed off sick, I’d hurt my back at work so because of my back problems and the depression, I got early retirement. I did a Return to Learn course first and when I finished that they encouraged me to go to college; there I got an HNC in Social Science, and when if you pass that it guarantees you a place at Uni, so I ended up going to university! Fifty five years old and at University! I thought well if I don’t try it, that was the mood I was in, if you don’t try it you’ll never know. What’s the worst thing you can do? So I just did it and I got the degree after three years.

While doing my degree I had to read about things similar to what I was experiencing, and the knowledge that I gained really helped me understand what I was going through. I love psychology; just having an understanding of the processes and how it affects other people, and finding out how the medicine works in your nervous system. It was just, “Oh, so that’s what it is!” It helped knowing what was happening; I think it’s the fear of not knowing that can make you feel worse. For me, having the knowledge helped to take the fear away. Going to university helped to build my confidence and self esteem. I was faced with lots of challenges and was able to overcome them successfully.

I made some great mates at Uni. I went out more, and it made me feel good that people thought enough of me to ask me to come out with them and stuff like that, even at my age. Talking with my mates about how I felt and what was going on was helpful, but not other people; I didn’t really want to talk about it with other people. I didn’t want to see a therapist or whatever, I think because for me there’s an element of mistrust. I tried to kill myself when I was younger, with an overdose, and I was in the hospital. I didn’t find out till years later that my doctor said I was a drug abuser. I said, “I’ve never taken drugs in my life!” and that’s what that guy had written in my notes, not that it was the medication that was prescribed me. So that was why I didn’t really want to see a therapist, I felt that they twist things round that you say and stuff like that.

The toughest thing has been the finances. When my daughter died my husband’s business collapsed, I couldn’t work, we lost the house, and it was very hard. I got through Uni with great difficulty; I got a grant for my fees, and there was one year I had to go to the student advisor and she had to give me money to buy shopping. Even now trying to take the grandchildren out for a treat is tough but we can just almost manage it. It annoys me that I’ve got to go asking for help all the time; my husband won’t work, and he won’t sign on and claim the benefits he’s entitled to because he feels it belittles him. But it belittles me as well because I’ve got to go and do these things, like explain why we can’t pay the bills and everything. He’s such a negative person and he’s a lot more negative now. Maybe he feels guilty because of our daughters’ death, I don’t know but his negativity brings me down. I’ve tried to get him to go for help but he won’t. It’s hard to deal with. So I’ll go out for a walk, just to get away from him, or sometimes I shout at him, telling him to get up off his bloody backside and do something, or sometimes I just ignore him. But you just sort of have to muddle along as best you can and try to work your way through it, especially for the grandchildren. I’d like to get a job, but if I get a job I might lose my pension, and I might lose my Disability Allowance. But I’d be prepared to get a job and give that up if my husband was working as well and we were sure we had some kind of security.

What’s helped me is finding that I could do things, when I thought before that I didn’t have the ability. Like going to Uni, having to raise my grandchildren and trying to bring them up to be good people, and trying to find ways through the financial mire! I have a greater awareness about mental health and this is the kind of job I’d like to do. I’d like to do something like spiritual healing or Reiki, but failing that, I’d like to help other people in some way with mental health, then again that would be a form of healing as well wouldn’t it?

This story was written based on this individuals interview for the SRNs narrative research project entitled, 'Recovering Mental Health in Scotland'. More information about the project can be found in the Narrative Research Project section of our website www.scottishrecovery.net.

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Story disclaimer

The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure.

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