Coming out of the Fog | Stories from the narrative research project

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Coming out of the Fog

Published: December 2005

This story shows how creativity, self-determination, physical wellbeing, and self-confidence have impacted on recovery.

My recovery started when I ended up in hospital after having taken an overdose. I was in a job that I wasn’t coping with anymore and I had been given one month’s notice. Fairly soon after the actual end of my contract I took an overdose. I was in hospital for four and a half months. It took me a very long time to get the confidence to be in the outside world again. They said it looked as if I had been depressed for the whole of my adult life, which is probably true. Probably since I was 14 or 15 years old.

The thing about being in hospital was that the people were nice to me. That may sound really simplistic, but I didn’t have to try. I didn’t have to put on a front because they just seemed to understand how I felt. I could just be myself without having to pretend. It also meant I wasn’t on my own anymore. With the anxiety I’d had terrible problems being on my own. And I finally found an anti-depressant that worked. That’s what helped to put me on the way. The hospital was very close to my home and that was very helpful. I couldn’t be in my flat on my own to begin with, but I have a cat I wanted to take care of. Pretty soon I had to go there twice a day, morning and evening, whether I liked it or not. So looking after my cat was a major factor in my making my first steps towards recovery.

When I was discharged I suddenly had to face the facts again what had happened, and what had put me in hospital in the first place. It was very difficult to begin with, but I had realised I didn’t want to be in hospital anymore. I think I had naturally reached the point where I wanted to move on. There were then a number of things I did that built up to being in the outside world again. I had a counsellor who gave me a lot of support when I was first discharged. I have been doing a personal development course for a while. It has really helped me to build my confidence and helped me to progress a great deal. The community that I feel I belong to has become much wider. It’s now pretty much the whole city. I am currently doing two voluntary jobs, I joined a hill walking group and I’m in a women’s photography group. I actually started photography when I was in hospital. I feel it’s a way of seeing the outside world. You have to look much more carefully and you have to engage with it if you are taking a photograph. That’s been very important to me, to see more clearly and focus on the outside world.

There was a real change in me about a year ago. I called it ‘technicolor vision’ because that’s how it seemed. Everything was much brighter and it came and went for a while, and then roughly about a year ago it was there all the time and it’s still there now. I felt very much I was coming out of a fog. And I am much happier than I was. I am happy a lot of the time now, which wasn’t the case before. I’m much less anxious than I was. It can still go up and down, I get more anxious, less anxious, but overall my anxiety is still going down and I am gradually getting more confident.

Before my recovery I had been shut off in a world of my own, doing things to expend the minimum energy and just doing things in a routine because that was the easiest way. After being discharged from hospital I though, I’ve got to do things differently. Now one of my recovery strategies is trying to do new things. Now it’s like ‘changing things for change’s sake.’ For example, I go a different way home just to do it. Or I’ll go and try out four different types of Scottish tablet just to decide which one I like the best. Changing things for the sake of it was really important to begin with; to establish the fact that I wasn’t going to go back into hospital.

I had a lot of really quite bad anxiety attacks and it took me a while to see what was happening. Now I say to myself, “It’s OK to be happy.” I had to learn that it was actually all right to have happiness as a goal in itself. I’ve tried to put some of my energies into things that have made me feel happy even if they are not very exciting things, like tidying up my flat. Retail therapy is important. I try and spoil myself the whole time, give myself lots of treats.

There are a number of strategies that I follow in order to stay well. Keeping busy is one of them. I don’t like being on my own for long periods. I like human contact. Setting myself challenges, I do that consciously. Yet, I know that I can’t push myself too hard. It’s important for me not to have too much on because if I get tired my mood starts to dip. What I am trying to do is just take gradual steps because that has been working so far. I also have a book where I write things down, particularly when I get anxious. Sometimes I can see from what I am writing down that I am just winding myself up. And I always have a list of achievements, a list of achievements since discharge from hospital. I started it at that point, because I was lacking a lot of confidence about staying well. I still use it. I have thought, oh it’s OK - I don’t need that anymore but then my confidence goes and it’s really very good to see, “Oh look I’ve done this, this, this.” It’s really quite a long list by now.

At the moment I’m trying to work at friendships again. I still have to overcome quite a lot of barriers when it comes to friendships. Also one of my biggest worries is still paid employment. What I’m trying to do, I suppose, and what has been working, is just building on things that happen. I try to take opportunities that present themselves and move on that way. Time has made a huge difference. Things have been continually getting better and better and I don’t think I could have coped with having that happen much more quickly. I’m going onwards and upwards but it’s on my terms and it’s at my speed. I can’t single out one thing that has brought about this process of recovery. A lot of things have changed in my life. I was in a fog for a long time, but I’m now seeing more clearly, hearing more clearly and feeling more clearly. I am really enjoying myself for the first time in long time.

Comments added by the Narrator a few months after the interview:

I have been re-reading my story a few months after I first told it and I can see that I’ve moved on again – for example I’m now doing paid work, which was a huge hurdle for me. And I would tell the story a little differently now. But you have to finish the story somewhere even if it’s only half way through, otherwise you couldn’t share it with other people. And I do want to tell my story, because I am so pleased with what has happened.

This story was written based on this individuals interview for the SRNs narrative research project entitled, 'Recovering Mental Health in Scotland'. More information about the project can be found in the Narrative Research Project section of our website www.scottishrecovery.net.

If you’d like to share your own experience of recovery please contact This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or 0141 240 7790 to discuss.

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Story disclaimer

The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure.

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