Back on the Blooming Road Again | Stories from the narrative research project

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Back on the Blooming Road Again

Published: February 2006

This story shows how volunteering and being involved in local organisations can benefit recovery.

I had been both physically and mentally unwell for almost 17 years. It was a long, long plod. Then, about one and a half years ago, things were beginning to look better and I felt I was recovering. For many years it had just been relapse and remission, and my physical illness had finally made my mental health go to pot. I had been in therapy and on medication before, but at that point medication didn’t seem to help anymore. I resumed therapy with somebody different this time, and this therapy was primarily geared towards managing my physical illness. At that stage of my life I just felt like it was keeping me alive, basically. My physical situation was pretty dire at the time and the will to live had pretty much gone. My therapy lasted for three years and I was able to push myself forward a bit using different techniques. It was when I started volunteering a few years later that my real recovery started.

Following the therapy I was referred to a day hospital where the only thing that I was remotely interested in was gardening. The gardening group at the day hospital helped me to make my first steps towards socialising again because I was very withdrawn. I also had the feeling that I was becoming institutionalised there. I knew that sitting at home doing nothing wasn’t good for me, but going to the hospital wasn’t good for me either. Then my psychologist suggested volunteer work and a nurse at the hospital suggested a new project that was run by the volunteer centre. I was very apprehensive about it at first because I was still too ill to even walk down the street by myself. I was also dreading having to be with new people. However, the project staff were very supportive and flexible, which enabled me to familiarise myself with the new situation very gradually. I started volunteering for half an hour a week and continued to attend hospital group for the other three days. Over the next year I gradually replaced group sessions with volunteering opportunities. Initially I was unable to interact with staff, so I just went inside to sign my name and then did a little work, by myself, outside in the garden. Gradually, I made myself stop and speak to people before going out to work. If unable to work, I sometimes just go and have a quick cuppa and a chat, just to make myself get out of the house. I now volunteer an hour and a half, four days a week, in four different hospital and wildlife gardens. There is no pressure and I can build up to a point where I can feel I can sustain the hours over a longer period of time. It is the volunteering aspect of the work that has allowed me to sustain the activity. There is no pressure to attend and I don’t have the stress of worrying that I’ll lose my job; this helps me to make progress at my own pace, and take time to decide what type of work I want to move into.

About three years ago I was invited to be on the advisory group for the project and that was a huge hurdle for me because suddenly I was in a business situation. Last year I was invited to be a member of the board of directors for the volunteer centre and that was something even bigger. I have been quite involved in fundraising, and so have been involved in regular meetings. I am getting to the point where I can mentally function at a business level, it’s just lack of stamina and concentration that’s holding me back.

One of my techniques is to commit myself to doing activities, because pride somehow or other always gets me motivated; if I say I’m going to do something, I do it. I have also learned that it is important to get it right, right at the beginning of the day. If I were to sit down and not go out, it would get worse as the day goes on. So I go through this torturous little hour of getting out of the house and then I’m fine, and I know I’ll be fine while I’m out. It was really difficult to make myself start being seen by people again, because after my last relapse I had spent two years in the house apart from attending appointments. Now I go out every day, even if I just go to the corner shop. I think that getting stronger mentally is down to re-familiarising myself with everyday situations, like going to the shop and somebody giving me hassle or somebody bumping into me in the street. Being able to deal with that on a regular basis makes me stronger. It’s important for me to be able to realise when I’m achieving something. That was really important when it came to my physical illness. When I was really bad, I couldn’t even feed myself properly. At first I couldn’t see that when I could feed myself that was an achievement. When I was able to recognise my physical achievements, I was able to recognise that it was a mental achievement to see I was physically achieving something. It’s all tied together, mental and physical health reflect one another all the time.

Last year I decided to do the Race For Life; I walked it, well I practically crawled it by the end…they were deflating the finish line when I got there. I was half thinking next time I might be able to run it, but I can’t - I am going to walk it though. That’s probably the longest term, the only long-term plan I’ve had for years, because I don’t really think further ahead than next week these days. One thing I know now is, if I’m able to think I feel dead, I know I’m not really dead and I know that I can get through it, if I just do it at my pace. My advice is, if you are at a level where you can literally think straight about what you are doing, then do one little thing at a time. The advice that a friend of mine still gives me is, “Just do one thing nice for yourself.” Don’t make a list of things that you “should” be doing. Take the word “should” out of your vocabulary because it usually leads to guilt, you are either going to do it or you are not.

Sometimes I’m walking along and I think, “What does it feel like to run again?” I haven’t run in seven or eight years, I haven’t actually run a step. And I think, “What does it feel like to actually break into a run?” I need to try that. Maybe I‘ll run one step in the Race For Life this year. That will be an achievement.

This story was written based on this individuals interview for the SRNs narrative research project entitled, 'Recovering Mental Health in Scotland'. More information about the project can be found in the Narrative Research Project section of our website www.scottishrecovery.net.

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Story disclaimer

The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure.

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