A More Coherent View of Life | Stories from the narrative research project

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A More Coherent View of Life

Published: September 2005

This story explores how talking therapies (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Group Therapy), medication and counselling have aided in recovery.

I had a breakdown in 1985, although I also suspect that I had problems before then. I went to the doctor and he gave me Prothidine, then I had to change because it wasn’t working very well. I was referred to the psychologist and started doing some cognitive therapy with him. I also started in a group with the same psychologist and it was very positive really. In fact, during the whole time in the therapy it was a matter of tackling the thing that bothered me mostly, my breakdown and severe anxiety. I think I had to learn to deal with that to a certain degree, and the main thing that helped with that was Amitriptyline.

I look back and I was another person really.

The cognitive therapy was about dealing with negative thoughts. We’d discuss them and write them down on paper and we would try and rebuild the negative thoughts; this had a cumulative effect. The group was quite valuable because there were other people in the same boat, but there was mutual support there for our problems.

Looking back, I think the problem was an intellectual thing; it was about the head. That sort of thing I can do anyway, I’ve got the intellectual capacity. Oddly, the discipline of the cognitive therapy helped with my work, I was sorting out information and facts and so on. I suppose it’s the realisation that I had underestimated my own abilities. The thing is, the cognitive therapy allowed me to look at my life and see the way I’d been thinking, which hadn’t helped me really. To have a job at the university was really good for my self-esteem. I had been able to be a bit more relaxed and open with people.

Sadly, I lost my job. I was really sort of stressed out suddenly from being really busy, then having nothing to do. Also, I felt much more isolated without work. I live quite far away from most of my friends and found myself getting pretty depressed again, particularly since my benefits were in a complete mess and I ended up not making that much money from the work - it was a disappointing outcome. I think a lot of people have got used to being on incapacity benefit and they don’t have so much motivation to pull themselves out of it. I found myself getting a bit pessimistic about that really.

I spend more time on my own and it inevitably means that I do less and the depression can come back, even though it’s never been as bad as it was in the past. There have been bad patches. I was taken in hand by a friend who was a qualified counsellor when I was messed up about relationships. That’s one of the things really, I’ve always had difficulty with relationships. I feel that I understand myself more than I did before, but I still have difficulty asserting myself and forming relationships.

I have to get out and socialise with people. I think I also need the contact with a wide variety of people with whom I am able to be more open and more myself. Before, I was very tense and wouldn’t let anyone near me. I had such a bad impression of myself, and I’ve come to realise that’s just an illusion. That was a realisation I had with the cognitive therapy, that I’d set these self-destructive thoughts that only hurt me, but they are only an illusion. I think, if I come across as open friendly and helpful people should be inclined to be much more open and pleasant back.

The talking therapy has worked for me and the anti-depressants help in keeping me on an even keel. Am I always going to be having trouble with the depression - who knows really? I mean, it’s a matter of learning strategies to deal with it, and getting help from friends and professionals. It is about learning to cope with things and keep going.

In terms of employment I can show that I am able to do the work and get very positive feedback from the people I am working with. The big realisation was that I could take on more than I thought I could do. We are talking about very complex issues here; I can do work of good quality, but the other side of that is that the problem is actually the difference between me and ordinary people around me. If I’d not had the trouble I’d had, I think that I could have been an academic and worked in the university. It does mean there is a distance between me and others around me, and the fact that I have been through all these changes sets me apart. If I met somebody else that suffers from depression that would be great because we have the shared experience, but I suppose I feel I’m a bit too intellectual and not straightforward enough really, I would feel like I’m talking over others peoples heads sometimes.

You have good days and bad days really, but the worse days pass and you get on with it. I suppose I can let other good things pass as well because I can still have a lot of my anxiety about things. But in the end, I believe I will come through it.

This story was written based on this individuals interview for the SRNs narrative research project entitled, 'Recovering Mental Health in Scotland'. More information about the project can be found in the Narrative Research Project section of our website www.scottishrecovery.net.

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Story disclaimer

The stories presented here are for information only. They are meant to inspire hope and show that recovery can and does happen. The stories highlight various examples of recovery and we do not advocate any of these experiences as the ‘right’ way to recover. Recovery is an individual and unique process, each person must decide for himself or herself what will work for them. Please carefully consider any decisions you make about your own recovery and consult with someone you trust if you feel unsure.

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